It's a nondescript building a couple of streets down from the train station. I've walked past it a few times. Scouting. Checking it exists.
It clearly does.
It's a galaxy-brained idea. I've been broken up with my girlfriend now for four months. That means I've gone four months without so much as a blowjob and there's no sign of the drought ending.
But a mouth is a mouth is a mouth, right?
So, all I need to do is go inside, blow my load inside an obliging hole and then get out again. No mess, no fuss.
It's the middle of Wednesday afternoon. That's deliberate. I don't want to be seen by anyone I know.
I walk straight past the door. I've told myself I'm going in this time, but I still want to get a look at the sign. But without making it look like I'm looking at the sign. It's discreet but unmistakable. It simple gives the name, says
Men's Sauna
then lists the opening times.
I reach the end of the road and stop at the lights, looking as if I'm going to cross, but considering my options.
There's a gay pub over the road. Again, as mentioned in my research and with an unmistakable pride flag flying from the entrance. I could go there, grab a pint, and see if anything happens.
Less intimidating than getting naked in theory, except somehow it isn't. I don't really want anyone hitting on me. That is to say, I don't want the flirting or the conversation or the respect.
I'm not gay.
I just want a blowjob.
I turn and walk left, up the hill. It's kind of back into town and, from a certain perspective, could be called the way home. It's okay though. I'm going to circle back. Probably.
I pass a curtain shop and a large office stationers.
I turn right and down another small side street. Two more right turns and I'll be back where I want to be. Five minutes walk, steel myself, and then walk straight in.
It's not that hard.
I take the right just as I've promised myself. I'm going downhill again and there's a large park behind a stone fence. I pass a group of young mothers pushing prams. They look at me and I look at them just for a second.
I wonder if they know anything about the sauna.
I make the final right. I'm no more confident than I was the first time. I'm not circling again. Go in or go home.
As I pass, I turn, grab the handle, push and I'm in.
It's dark inside. Not seedy dark, but dimly lit and intimate. There's a small but distinctly noticeable rise in temperature too. There's a counter right in front of me, and then a corridor and a set of stairs leading up.
"Hi," says the guy behind the counter. "I'm going to need ID."
I hand him my student card. Great, now my name is known. He confirms that I'm twenty and hands it back to me.
"Ten quid."
I know this from my research. I hand over the note I had ready. He hands me a towel, a pair of plastic sandals, and a locker key on an armband.
"Where do I go?" I ask.
"Oh, it's your first time?" he says. "Changing rooms on your right. Showers and sauna on the left. Private rooms and play areas upstairs. Any questions come and find me."
"Thanks," I say, quickly. That was far more interaction that I felt comfortable with. I disappear into the changing rooms.
They're empty and though cramped, not substantially different from those in a leisure center. I get undressed quickly and wrap the towel around my lower half.
I decide to get the lay of the land. It's as described. One room with a set of six shower heads all in a row, no dividing barriers, and a typical sauna with wooden benches on two levels. Both are empty.
I make my way upstairs. There are five private rooms. They don't have a bed, but a raised platform with a gym-style mat that could serve as a bed if you wanted to fuck. There are condoms, lube and tissues laid out in a little complementary basket. Down one corridor, there's a set of little cubicles with curtains but nothing in them. It takes me a second to realize they're glory holes. Finally, there's one big area near the middle. It has a sex swing, hanging from the room from four metal chains.
It's all things I've read about, but then again, I've also read about Narnia.
Everywhere is empty.
There's one room I haven't explored yet and I can hear the noise of someone getting fucked coming from it. It's a TV room. Eastern European porn is playing on the screen. In one corner of the room, there's an fat older guy completely naked watching the show. He looks up, but I only hover by the door for a second before heading back down again.
Maybe I should have come on Friday night.
I head back into the sauna. I've never really seen the point of saunas. Sweating is supposed to be good for you or something. Whatever, I've paid my ten pounds, I can give it a go.
When I enter I see there's a guy already in there. He's lying with his head on a towel and his small dick hanging out free and easy. The guy is in his fifties, if not sixties and quite emaciated. He must have come in when I was upstairs. I almost walk straight out, but somehow walking out past the cash desk after so short a time would be worse.
I take a seat as far away from him as I can and make sure my towel is still firmly on and covering me.
When I decide it's safe to do so, I close my eyes, but keep my ears open.
After only about ten minutes, I'm about to write the day off, but then I hear the sound of the door. It's the guy from upstairs. My eyes open and are only on him for a moment, but it's enough to take in his whole physique. He's got a belly on him. Definitely overweight, but maybe not quite obese. He's hairy everywhere and has tattoos covering both arms. He's bald but has a thick beard which turns into sideburns.
"Mind if I sit here?" he says, indicating the spot next to me.
I move about three feet over to let him in. He looks at me clearly amused by amount of distance I've jumped. He pulls his towel off, just before he sits down.
I don't mean to look, but I do. While the porn upstairs clearly didn't do enough to make him fully erect, I wonder how much blood it did put into it. He can't walk around with it always being that big, surely?
We sit for a while. I'm looking straight ahead. Five minutes then I'll leave, I tell myself. Give it enough time that it's clearly nothing personal, just my going home time.
"First visit?" he asks me suddenly.
"Er, yeah," I say.
"Uh," he replies. There's another moment of silence.
"What are you here for?" he asks.
"Oh, I just...thought I'd check it out," I reply. My cheeks are burning.
