Back in early 2002 I was in my second year at University. Twenty years of age and in a new social environment, I was having the time of my life. I returned home to visit my family fairly often, though, particularly of course during holidays between terms. Usually when doing this I would be sure to see my best friend Mark. A couple of years younger, he was yet to go away to university. We made our usual plans - meet up, go to the nearest off license, get a few drinks, return to Mark's and have fun chatting and listening to music.
"I'm just off to the toilet," said Mark, standing up. "Back in a few mins."
As per usual I was thinking of songs I had heard that I thought Mark should get and add to his playlist. This was of course in the days before easy music streaming services, so we used to download MP3s through file sharing networks. I clicked around on his computer and found the software running, and opened it. Several files were listed as downloading, and I was surprised to see the titles plainly showing it was gay porn videos.
I admit I was curious. Neither of us were particularly amazing to look at, nor were we any good with the opposite sex. Virgins, of course. And that can lead to some pent up frustrations and the mind can... wander. I'd never had a gay thought before I was 18. By this point though I had escalated through a lot of the stages. Wondered how gay man could enjoy anal. Wondered if it did actually feel good. Tried putting objects back there when having 'alone time'. Nothing too large - pens, mostly. I found myself enjoying it. Somehow this lead to myself watching gay porn on occasion. I was never exactly disgusted by the sight of naked men, though they were not something that I would say I was attracted to. And yet, seeing men have sex - that was a turn on. This changed to attraction of sorts when I started wondering what it would be like suck cock. These gay men do it, women do it, there must be something to it, right?
Yes, I had often fantasised about men, but I had never mentioned it to anyone before. Nor had Mark said anything to me about his own sexuality. Sure we had discussed sex and porn as guys do, but there was no indication he was anything other than straight. But then... I guess I hadn't given anyone any indication either.
Curiosity got the better of me, and I opened one of the videos. It seemed to be your typical standard fare, two guys going at it. That's when I noticed Mark had come back into the room. I hurriedly closed the window and briefly tried to pretend nothing had happened. Looking at Mark though, he knew what I had found.
"Ah," he said, embarrassed.
I tried to make it out to be nothing. "Yeah I just added another song to download. Think you'll like it. Another drink?" I opened a bottle for myself and one for him and handed it over. He took his seat silently. I could tell he was thinking carefully about what to say next.
"So, you saw what I was downloading then." It was not a question.
"Oh, yeah, it's ok though."
There was an awkward pause, a silence that screamed louder than anything I had heard previously. I decided to stop beating around the bush and just get things in the open.
"I had no idea you were gay. It's ok though. Doesn't bother me or anything. It's cool."
His shoulders sagged, I could see the relief in his face. "I don't know if I am gay. I mean I still like women as much as ever. I don't know. I just like the videos."
"Hey that's cool, I get that. I've never told anyone myself, but I've had thoughts about it too. Watched some."
"Wow. Really?" said Mark. "I had no idea."
For a while after this, the conversation turned back to the usual mix. Drinks were finished and new ones started, music was played and sung along to rather badly. We had both relaxed, and the mixture of comfort and alcohol brought the subject up again a couple of hours later.
"So, you know what we were talking about earlier?" Mark asked me after taking a swig of beer.
"Yeah," I replied.
"Have you ever done it? With a guy, I mean."
"No. Have you?"
"No."
"I mean, I've thought about it of course," I said.
