One Door Starts the Journey

Isolation. Alone in a crowd. Never quite fitting in. Carrying corrosive and dysfunctional thoughts since childhood. The passage of time without change. The longest suicide in history?

"Do you ever have thoughts of harming yourself?" At 50, in the midst of a mental breakdown, I found the courage to call for help. I'm here in the psych ward of the local branch of the Veterans Administration.

"No." It's a lie. Unending sorrow and mental anguish have taken their toll on me. I have yet to understand how I got here...how my life went so very wrong. This is a low point for me in a very low existence.

"You seem stabile. Let's set you up with some medication; and make an appointment with one of our counselors." I nod. Stabile. Stabile in my dysfunction. Great.

One Week Later...

"Call me Tom. That's quite a history you have revealed to me, Douglas. I can understand your journey thus far. There is a way for you to make the changes you seek...but my professionalism prevents me from disclosing them here. Would you be open to meeting me...somewhere else?"

"Sure. I can talk with you. Name the place. And it's Doug."

"Good. Tomorrow night at seven. Here's the address. It's a rambling old house with a confusing floor plan, but if you are determined to find it, there is only one door." I get up, shake his hand, and pocket the slip of paper he gave me. Tomorrow night can't come soon enough for me. I've heard it said that we all have to save ourselves from our troubles; and that no one else is coming to rescue us...but I really feel like Tom can help me.

Part 2 -

He wasn't kidding. I finally found the house after winding down lots of narrow country roads. Man, it's big! Some fortress-like stone building in the middle of nowhere. He wasn't kidding about the door - where the hell is it?

"Seek and you shall find

The door inside your mind.

The one you fear may blind

To what it finally finds."

Now that's totally weird! This sign was obviously meant for me to read. Yeah, I get it. He thinks I block my thoughts from my real issues. I agree. Heck, this is kind of fun.

"Hello Doug!" I look up to where I heard the voice coming from. Tom is leaning out of an open window three floors above me.

"Hello!" As I think of what to say next, my eyes take in more than his lightly bearded handsome face. Tom is shirtless. Thick shoulders sit atop muscular arms that were hidden to me back at his office. As he reaches up to pull the window down, his hairy pits make my mouth gape in awe. He smiles. I guess more words are not necessary now.

"Just keep going, and find the grape arbor. Be brave, Doug, we'll get you there." He smiles confidently, lowers the window to the sill, turns away from the window, and disappears. His back is broad, thick with strong muscle structure, and the low sill of the window affords me a quick glimpse of some slightly hairy butt cheeks - crack and all! As I resume my quest for the door, I think back to a lifelong yearning for someone to understand me. My hope soars. My feet take me along a cobblestone path that winds through some pretty gorgeous landscaping. Then I see it. Just to my left there is a large and inviting grape arbor. As I turn toward the structure, my sightline allows for a direct view through the tunnel it creates...right to THE DOOR.

"Welcome dear boy.

We shall not be coy,

Nor shall we toy

With your ultimate joy."

The note is pinned to the massive oak door; and written in the most lovely calligraphy I have ever seen. My heart quickens with anticipation. I am finally opening up to explore the hidden depths of my very being.

"Please enter of your own free will, Douglas. Close the door behind you. The vestibule has a bench, and there are hooks for your clothes. Your undressing is more than a mere empty gesture - it is a removal of your inhibitions, your fears, and your lifelong armor - armor affords no protection. Armor entombs the wearer. Disrobe and join with me in the chamber beyond. The fire will keep us warm. The fire in your soul that yearns to find its freedom will carry you beyond all concerns. Sit in the cushioned chair that you find there. I will join you shortly." His voice trails off behind the portal. I reach for the door handle and grasp it with slightly trembling fingers. This is what I want. I need this. He can help me. As close as I have been to my mental limits, I just have to believe in Tom. I have to.

"I'm in, Tom." I don't know if he can hear me, but the sound of my own voice is comforting me a bit. As I take off my shoes, sox, and pants, the glow of a fireplace in the next room gives me a sense of calm. My sense of logic tells me that this whole thing is really strange. I shake off the thought as the attempt of the negative one within me trying to save its own skin. That gives me the power to remove my shirt, undershirt, and finally my briefs. There is a mirrored wall right in front of me. I give my hair a quick self-conscious touch up; and take note that my body still retains a somewhat youthful appearance, despite my age. As I turn to enter the room beyond, the sound of cameras echoes in my ears. I just shrug it off. Nothing is going to stop me now.

Part 3 -

The chair is large, and very comfortable. Before me is a small table with a tray of snacks, two filled glasses, and one very ornate small bottle. Before I can gather my thoughts, Tom appears out of nowhere, and slowly approaches me. He is as naked as I am, which gives me a sense of acceptance and calm. I stand to greet him, and he closes the distance between us.

"This day is your freedom day, my young friend." Odd that he refers to me as 'young'.

"Thank you."

"You gave up your true self as a very young man. That young man resides deep within you. He has been waiting patiently for his, and for your, release from bondage. Bondage is where you have lived your life until now. Bondage is where you must go in order to release yourself from it once and for all." His outstretched hand takes mine, and we move toward the fireplace. As wood crackles and burns on the andirons, the fire in my heart rages with every beat. Tom takes the two filled glasses and hands me one. He removes the stopper from the ornate bottle. Two small white pills drop into his large palm. "Take one. It is your ticket to freedom."

I have smoked weed several times in my life; and been in the company of friends who did stronger stuff. Locked away mentally, I could not allow myself the terror of stripping away my armor with drugs. Without a word, I now reach for one of the pills, pop it into my mouth, and swallow as I drain the beverage down my throat.

"You surprise me, Doug. But it shows us both just how ready you are to make the changes you seek." With that said, Tom also downs his pill; and drains the glass of its fluid. Once again he takes my hand, and leads me up to and through a wall of bookshelves that part as we approach. The room within is dark. Several candles barely shine enough light for me to see what awaits me.

"Kind of creepy, huh?" He says this while just inches from my face, so I can look into his sparkling grey eyes. I nod. We are the same height. He stretches a bit and moves in even closer, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead. As he does so, I let out an involuntary sigh. It is one of relief, as well as one of capitulation. Tom is my real-life spirit guide now, and I trust him completely. I have started to float within my own body in a way that makes me smile to myself. As I look around inside my mind, I can see doors everywhere. Hundreds, no, thousands of doors of all shapes and colors crowd my inner vision. The sight electrifies me; and it suddenly frightens me to my very core. I lash out at Tom with my fists pounding his rock hard pecs. He grabs at my hands, and helps me to beat his chest until I collapse into a puddle of tears at his feet.

"It's good, Doug. Go with it. Let go of your fear." I have no strength to resist him, nor do I want to. He guides my listless body to a central padded table where he helps me ascend onto the cool leather surface. My thoughts race from those of reviewing my sorrowful past to those of the final act to my life that may occur in this very room, as Tom buckles my limbs securely to the edges of the table.

"Tell me what you fear, Doug." That's an easy one.

"I have always thought of myself as bound within a cell of my own making." I feel as though my words have a life of their own, not needing me to analyze or edit them in any way. "Bondage of my body in any way shape or form has always terrified me...and fascinated me in some unexplained way."

"We fight within ourselves to maintain whatever mindset is dominant within us - even a negative one. You have acquiesced mentally to your self-imposed prison bars, yet fight against those imposed externally. Giving in to those external fears, and conquering them, will give you the courage to finally vanquish your inner fears, as well. You are now securely bound and at my mercy. Tell me what I will do next." His voice is calm and reassuring. I have a welling up of an answer to his question, but it begins to stick in my throat. I can't speak. I can't even breathe!

"Go with it, Doug. You are safe with me. No harm will come to you. You are a brave and wonderful man. I will help you every step of the way. Feel my hand at your chest now. Let it release the tensions you are feeling. Let my hand help breathe air and life into your body." His hand is warm and feels good on my chest. I take in a deep and freeing breath, as fresh tears stream down my face. "Good. You chose to negate your fears, and you won. Let that set the tone for the rest of your first visit here today. I will guide us together as one, and insure your safe passage into new and rewarding mental freedom. You are beginning the tough task of separating from the emotions of your past, leaving those memories as mere harmless history. You are securely in this moment, a place that is foreign to you, I know. Yet this is the place you must learn to resonate with. I believe in you, Doug. What are your own thoughts?"

"I desperately want to believe in myself as capable of real change, Tom, as much as I truly believe in you as my guide. Will you please kiss me again?" Tom has been sitting in a tall padded chair at my side. My head is facing him. He leans over and kisses my mouth, and I instantly open to him. My tongue begins to seek his, and that permission gives full vent to both of our passions. Tom knows about my latent feelings toward men. He knows of the sequestered fury within my mind and my body as I have struggled to contain my passions; and to fit in with a society that already rejected me completely. His kiss lasts forever.

"I am as uninhibited as you are, Doug. We shared a pill each so that I may be on the same plane of existence as you are, for maximum guidance. Yet I too have my needs. I am not completely selfless in this moment. Do you understand?" I nod. This is what I want. I have always wanted a strong man to take me to his will.

"It is your will alone that is guiding this exploration, Doug, not mine. My pleasure is derived from watching yours be expressed. As you and I bond completely, it is your journey that fuels my own passion. My ride with you will please us both. May I continue?" I nod.

Part 4 -

"It is not a strong man that you need to surrender to, Doug, but to the strength within yourself. As I tend to the physical desires and needs of your beautiful and naked body, succumb to the joyous state of release from any and all inhibiting anguish you have carried." I have not even tried to move my limbs yet. But the feeling of Tom's hands and mouth at my exposed crotch finds me pulling furiously at the restraints.

"It's just you and me, Doug. No one else can see. No one else can judge. We are free to explore our feelings. We are free to lose our inhibitions." As I relax my legs, there is a tug at my right ankle. Tom is releasing the leg restraint. My left ankle is also freed. In a gesture of self-acceptance and of permission to him, I raise my legs and place my feet on the leather top of the table, giving better access to Tom for the desires that rage within me now.

"Yes. That's it. Your mind is accepting the release of its pain, as your body is released from its bondage." I watch as he bends to place his wet tongue firmly at my taint. With a slight yet persistent pressure, Tom is massaging that sensitive part of me into a frenzy. "Feel it all, Doug. Stay with me and ride the waves of pleasure you have long denied yourself." Is he kidding? There's no way I could do otherwise! Back to my cockhead with his warm mouth, that sensation is eclipsed by the fingers that have taken over at my taint...pressing ever more firmly, moving ever lower until the longest digit finds my most private zone. Facing the ceiling, I am in a trance, and feel all of my senses in a most pleasant way, forcing me to stay completely open to the room, to Tom, and to myself.

"Oh, Tom. It's just you and me, Tom. I want to feel it all! Take away what restraints remain within me. Please, Tom. Take me with you." I want to go as far with Tom as he will allow. I hope he knows he has my permission.

"Then take this moment to release what remains of your fears, as I enter you and we expose all of your secrets...open all of your inner doors." I am having a panic attack! I can barely squeak out a muffled cry: "NO! Oh, Tom. Please....NO!" He removes his hands from my body, leaving me cold and alone. This is a feeling that I am, unfortunately, very familiar with. Having come this far, I will not retreat. I thrash my head about to find Tom, but he is nowhere in sight. My legs return to the prone position on the table. I am not pleased with myself. As the minutes pass, I sense a rather sweet odor wafting into the room. Looking about for the source...I see Tom! He has lit an incense burner, and is coming once again to my side.

"This will help calm us, Doug. May I continue?" I smile and nod.

"I'm sorr..." He cuts me off with a kiss, and then plunges a finger knuckle deep into my clenched sphincter. I raise my legs once again to give better access, stifling a cry of surprise, and slight discomfort that I feel.

"No need for more sorrow, Doug. Good job with the load of it that you have carried. Let's continue to unburden you of that load...and of the load that is boiling within you, as well." Removing the restraints from my arms, I am now free of worldly bondage. It occurs to me in the most wonderful of ways, that I can accept myself more completely, as well. Tom was right. Casting off imagined worldly boundaries gives me permission to draw down those within my own mind.

"You feel it. I can see it in your eyes. My own pleasure is spiking at your success. Let's complete today's session with a mind-expanding orgasm. For you, that is. I will forgo, for now, my own release that we may concentrate fully on, and revel in, yours."

Tom is gently pistoning my passage, aided by lube joining with his spittle. Once again he bends toward my erection, and as I close my eyes for this final pleasure assault, I hear him whisper into my ear:

"As I deepthroat your beautiful cock, place all thoughts at the head of your penis, Doug. Feel my throat as it squeezes and massages your engorged shaft. Reach up and cradle my head with your hands; reaffirming your acceptance of this joyous moment." I do as he asks; as it coincides perfectly with what I want to do.

"I will not stop now until your orgasm comes and subsides. Have no inhibitions. Revel in your new freedom, Doug. Let me hear you express the joy you feel through words and sounds." Holy crap! What a feeling! His throat has me completely engulfed. My pubes can feel his nose rubbing there. No way will I last like this. The door to my passage is filled with many fingers now, stretching and probing there in the most wonderful and sensual way. Expertly sucking me takes me to my edge several times. He hears me moaning; and knows how to prolong my ride. My entire crotch now feels bloated and filled to the maximum. Gurgling sounds tell us both that ejaculation is imminent. He rises briefly from my crotch.

"You ready for your 'happy ending'?" All smiles from both of us. I just nod, and drop my head to the table. Within seconds, the river of fluid begins to course its way through the tubes of my body. As the base of my cock swells within his throat, Tom sucks and bobs with an even greater frenzy. His fingers surround and squeeze at my prostate, and I lose it completely!

"TOM. Tom TOM!!!!!!" As he continues to suck, and now to swallow, my body goes into involuntary overdrive. What feels like a gallon of cum courses roughly through my penis, ripping past my slit, and cascading into his body, into his belly, into his very soul. As I gasp to catch what breath I can, Tom continues to suck the life out of my prick; giving me the crotch equivalent sensation of the dry heaves. My hips still buck, and I have resumed touching his head, neck and shoulders. When I am totally spent, I collapse onto the table with a thud. Tom lets me slip from his warm throat, leaving me temporarily exposed and alone on the table, but not for long.

"What did I tell you? I said that you would find 'the door'. It was up to you to go through it, and to deal with what you found there. I am so very proud of you, Douglas. So very proud!" Kissing him now is like the icing on the cake. I know that this is truly a new beginning for me; and that more 'work' lies ahead. It is with great expectation that I look forward to my next session with Tom. No longer in bondage to the world, or within myself, restraints will no longer be needed in our sessions together. Yet there are many, many new and exciting explorations ahead to continue on my journey of self renewal. It is a journey that I am looking forward to taking, but perhaps not to complete. This student is totally in love with his teacher. We'll have to wait and see how that plays out. Thanks for coming along on my journey.

To be continued...