Chapter 7: Chase has a revelation
CHASE
Once Griffin leaves, I take a few minutes to lie back in bed and stare up at the ceiling. I want to make it clear that I'm not angry about a stupid kiss, rather what it meant. Caleb is just another one of those guys who made me feel special enough to get intimate, only to toss me aside once I've served my purpose. I cringe, thinking about how familiar all of this feels and how I fell into the same fucking trap like an idiot who mistakes any interest in me as affection. I really thought Caleb would be different, yet now he's just another name to be added to the list of guys who've fucked me over- my life is a goddamn mad lib that reads "(noun) only wanted me for sex". I hate how many options there are now.
I know Griffin thinks of himself as the fuck-up between the two of us, but I've never seen it that way. He's got his shit to deal with and I've got mine- it's as simple as that. The difference is that Griffin is always more vocal about his screw ups while I tend to leave mine to rot away inside. I don't think either of us has found a positive way to cope with our mistakes.
I think back to all the shitty things that have happened in my life since going to college- from dating Zane and finding out he was cheating on me, to the aftermath of coming out to my parents, to Caleb and whatever the hell last night was. The only thing that's been constant in all of that is Griffin. The only one I could count on- with his earnest boy next door smile and subtle way about him that constantly puts me at ease. He's been in my life since day one of Freshmen year, but there's been something about the past few weeks that makes his presence more prominent. It's almost as if he's been more active in everything that I do and no amount of "thank you's" could ever express how grateful I am for him.
I check my phone to see a dozen or so missed calls from Caleb last night, as well as a couple of missed texts. He wants to meet up and talk, and as much as I'd like to blow him off, I know that's something I need as well. That trip back home made me realize that problems won't go away because I choose to avoid them. Hell, I spent months away from home in hopes that things will sorta just work themselves out. But all that left me was a bunch of empty promises and too much wasted time. I text Caleb back saying that that I want to meet up too, and he replies almost instantly, offering to come over. But I don't fall for that trick, I set a time for the next hour at one of the quieter spots on campus- somewhere that'll force myself to not break down.
It's a little past 11 when I finally make it to the small courtyard outside the Science Building. It's a pretty open space with only two ways out- which make it feel private enough. I can't trust myself meeting with Caleb alone; I just don't know how weak I'll be if it's just the two of us. I enter from the side and see him waiting for me at one of the far benches- I'm early, which means makes me wonder what time he got here and how long he's been waiting. To his credit, Caleb looks pretty beat up. He's miles from the guy who I had a first date with a month ago. Those bright green eyes look worn against the clothes I assumed he scraped together after a night without much sleep.
I sit beside him without so much as an attempt to shake his hand. He doesn't look all that surprised though. He merely exists next to me, as the morning breeze flows between the buildings, slowly thawing the cold shoulder I wear so well.
He starts his monologue about how he fucked up and how he's sorry about what he did. Yet all I can hear is that voice in my head that tells me I never even loved him anyway. Yeah, what he did was messed up, but if I'm being honest with myself, I knew deep down that Caleb wasn't the guy for me. He's knee deep in his fifth apology when I realize that I'm not even really mad. And that's the part that worries me the most- the fact that I could walk away from him right now and not even care. Last night everything was so fresh and so raw, but right now while he's babbling next to me, I know that it was only a matter of time before we broke up anyway.
I stop him mid-sentence and tell him, in so many words, that we won't be seeing each other anymore. He looks surprised to say the least, as if there was this confidence that his words would have done the trick in convincing me. But it's past that point already. I think I know where I see things going, and Caleb just isn't a part of that anymore. He collects himself and his jaw up off the floor, and stands to walk away.
Before he leaves, he turns, asking, "Did I ever really have a shot with you?"
I look up and see that there's no sign of him messing with me. He's serious and yet I still don't know what he means, "What are you talking about, Caleb?"
He shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders, "You don't see it, do you?" He says, knowing he has nothing left to lose. I look back at him, still wondering what angle he's trying to play and how these questions are supposed to make sense to me.
"Never mind. I guess I was wrong." He finally relents, turning to walk away from me for good.
GRIFFIN
There's a huge part of me that's glad to see Chase bounce back so quickly. It's been two weeks since he broke it off with Caleb and for the most part- it's as if they never even dated at all. Chase tells me that deep down, he kinda knew that it wasn't gonna work out with him. But every now and then, the stinging remembrance of getting your trust shattered leaves him sad- but only for a few moments before he forces himself to forget about it.
I think about how things went down with Zane last year, and the idea of seeing him so distraught again makes my stomach turn. I remember the nights after they broke up, when Chase basically camped out in my room, finding solace underneath my Target sheets and only going out when I was able to convince him. He's miles from that person, and not because he cared for Caleb less than Zane, but because he's a lot stronger now.
I come back from what felt like a gruelling shift. Our boss is trying out this new buy one get one half off promo, so I've been working the espresso machine all afternoon. I nearly burned myself on the hot steam a few times and even have a few coffee stains on my black uniform shirt as evidence. I slip my card into the door and swing the latch, looking forward to a nap before I eventually get a text from Chase, asking what's for dinner.
But instead of walking into an empty room, I see Chase leaning back on my desk chair with his feet propped up. He's wearing those bright BB8 socks that I got him last Christmas and he's aimlessly scrolling through his phone before noticing me come in. When he does, he sits upright, calling out. "Hey Griff."
I have a confused look on my face as I set my bag down by the row of sneakers, "Hey Chase. What're you doing here?"
He smiles, "Just figured you could use a chill night in and some food." He points to the bag of Yamamoto's on my desk that's still letting off steam. "Is Greg still running that promo?"
I nod, taking off my jacket, "I probably made more white mochas this shift than I have the entire year working there." I lean back onto my bed, "It's funny how customers tip even less when their drinks are discounted."
Chase lets off a little laugh and joins me, laying across the width of my bed with his head resting on my stomach. My shirt's ridden up a little bit, so the short blonde hairs on the back of his head constantly tickle my exposed skin. As nice as this feels, I wish he didn't do things like this. He doesn't know how confusing these little acts are- and how badly I want them to mean something.
