The crickets chirped noisily in the background as if they were trying to drown out the frogs that were croaking by the river. My ears seemed to remember where I was before the rest of me did. I opened my eyes to another morning hidden in the woods. My eyes quickly diverted from the greenery around me and back to my best friend that lay sleeping beneath me.
I had been with Chase a handful of times now, but this was the first time that I woke up to him, or with him. I didn't move a muscle. I didn't want to wake him. I just sat there with my head on his chest and let my eyes meet the hairs on his body glittering golden from the sunrays speckling through the foliage of the trees around us. My ears drowned out the forest orchestra and honed in on the beat of his heart pulsing beneath me. My whole body traveled lightly up and down with every breath he inhaled and exhaled. My fingers focused on the feeling of his hard stomach as my arm wrapped gently tighter around him. My legs realized the warmth and size of his legs as my nose took in the man I had always wanted.
I could lie like this forever and at least for now, I intended to. I continued to soak him in quietly without movement when I felt Chase's arm from underneath and behind me make its way to my shoulder. With the lightest touch, his fingers explored my shoulder and then traveled down my back. It was the slightest touch but it sent waves of electricity through my whole body.
I lay still as not to interrupt him. His hand made his way back up and back down the length of my naked body as he continued to send shivers through my spine. His hands were rough but he felt perfect as he gently caressed me. His hand made its way up my neck and to my head as he softly glided his fingers through my hair. The feel of his hand through my neck exposed a sensitive spot that quickly eliminated all efforts to imitate sleep. I softly moaned uncontrollably to the feelings Chase was conjuring through his fingertips.
"You up?" he asked still caressing my hair.
I shifted my head slightly in his direction, careful not to leave his chest and the position I was trying to hold on to. "Sort of," I said.
"Sorry babe -- I wasn't trying to wake you," he said.
"Chase, I don't mind being woken up like this," I responded as I lifted my head to look into his eyes to better convey the truth in what I was saying.
He smiled back at me as his blue eyes stared into mine. Without notice, he lifted his shoulders up from the ground and locked lips with mine. I didn't care about morning breath, I didn't care about dry mouth, I cared about nothing besides his lips dancing with mine. My eyes closed as we continued to kiss under the morning sky. I opened my eyes and found Chase's eyes staring back at me. He looked startled as if I had caught him in a private moment. He quickly pulled away and looked away, leaving me longing for his lips, and his golden hairs, and his heartbeat, and his fingertips.
He quickly got up and made his way to the truck as I took in the sight of his bare body walking away from me. He made his way to the other side of the car where I could no longer see him and shortly after came back fully dressed in a hoody and jeans. Chase made his way towards the tent and as he passed me he said, "We should probably get headed back soon," without bothering to look at me while he said it.
"What do you mean?" I asked. "We've got all day -- we could fish, or go for a hike or whatever," I offered desperately trying to collect every extra second with him that I could.
"Ryan, we both have to work tomorrow and anyways we've been out here for two days already. I'm kind of over it."
"Over it," I thought. Over camping? Or over me? What the fuck just happened? How did I go to having one of the best mornings of the year to one of the shittiest? I watched him for seconds into minutes hoping to meet his eyes as if a quick gaze would be all it would take to fix whatever this was. But he never looked at me. He continued to break down the tent with purpose as I lay on the ground alone.
I suddenly felt naked, partly because I was and partly because Chase's actions had left me vulnerable. I had given myself over to my friend in a way that I had never thought possible. I trusted him to be vulnerable and I was ultimately left there alone, naked on the ground. I sat up and wrapped myself tightly with the blanket before lifting myself off the ground. I looked once more at Chase who continued to face me with his back.
As I made my way to the truck I tried to figure out what had happened, what I could do, or say to recapture this weekend. I changed into my jeans, a shirt, and jacket to make up for the naked feeling that had enveloped me as the thoughts of what was happening overwhelmed my mind and I started to tear up. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. We were supposed to stay the same or become better. What had we done?
We continued like that for the rest of the morning. We gathered our things in silence as my eyes continued to meet the back of him as if he were physically trying to separate me from the world. I just wanted to hug him and lay with him and joke around with him but felt powerless. We finished packing the truck and sat in our respective seats in the front of the truck. The body language between us was palpable as if we were both trying to increase the distance between us, our whole bodies practically straddling the door closest to us.
We drove down the gravel road and I alternated staring out the window and down at my phone, checking for service. For the most part, I had stopped looking at him because it was getting harder and harder to find him ignoring me. Occasionally when I couldn't bare the tension I would look his way to see if something had changed. I finally broke down and said, "Chase -- we should talk," trying desperately to hide the desperation in my voice.
"Ryan, I have a headache," he responded shortly and sharply. The tone and seriousness of his words punched me in the gut as I realized Chase had never talked to me like that. I felt tears come back to me as I looked out the window to hide them from him as they traveled down my cheek.
The silence was deafening but quickly interrupted by a symphony of beeps and vibrations as our phones competed to see who had collected the most alerts. We were apparently back in cell range. I collected myself and looked down at my phone for a welcome distraction. Emails, voicemails, texts. Within seconds we were literally brought back to reality. Graham had left me loving voicemails saying how much he missed me and text messages with cute tent and camping emojis. I realized quickly that Chase was probably getting similar communication from Annie.
I felt confused, and guilty, and sad, and conflicted, and I wondered if Chase was feeling the same way. I would never know as Chase apparently forgot that I existed. I didn't know how I felt or how I was supposed to feel or if it was even worth trying to figure out. I looked through the rest of my texts. Work... my sister... and then one from Joey.
"Where the fuck are you?" it read along with a picture of him in my clothes as he lay on my couch, again uninvited. I read the time stamp and it was sent yesterday at 7:00pm. Jesus, I did not need this right now. What the fuck was I going to do about him? Hopefully he wouldn't be there. God how did this day so quickly spiral out of control?
