It was a warm late March day - the Monday after St. Paddy's Day - and my wife and I were walking the dog when she looked down and said "Is that a wallet?"
Sure enough there was a leather wallet against the curb. We figured it must have fallen out of a coat or something when someone was getting into or out of a car. It recently rained, so the color blended right in with the curb: there was no telling how long it had been there. There was no cash inside, but a couple credit cards, a bus pass, and luckily some ID.
After some digging I was able to find the guy, Steve, on social media and sent him a message to let him know we found it. For a full day we heard nothing back and this wallet just sat in the key tray, but finally I got a message: this guy just moved to the neighborhood with his girlfriend, was out with his buddies for the holiday, and got drunk and thought all of his stuff was lost for good.
I gave him our address (he was unable to retrace his steps as to where he MIGHT have lost it) and my number to text when he got here.
He and his girlfriend show up and we have them in for a minute. Cute couple: mid 20's college grads. She was in grad school and he was already working. They were both on the short side, he was white, she was Asian and he was just a little taller than her. My wife and I are both on the taller side and pretty fit even though I'm almost 50.
She was in the process of cancelling his credit cards - she already did one - when he saw my message. They were joking about it but you could tell that this was an argument they were having that now was averted. I mentioned that he was lucky that I worked from home and the wife was off that day, as it was trash day and that wallet might have disappeared forever. He said that he did not realize until that day that he did not really remember what was even IN the wallet, and that alone was a stress-er. They were super grateful and my wife and I just laughed it off and said That's what neighbors do.
Two days later I was having coffee in the kitchen and watching the news when I get a text. My wife left for work about a half hour earlier so I was easing into my day. I was still wearing a t shirt that I slept in but had thrown on a pair of mesh shorts just in case the motivation to run presented itself.
The text was from Steve, the wallet guy. It just said "Are you home?". I had not saved his number so it took me a second to scroll through the old texts to remember who it was. I said I was and he texted would it be ok to stop in for a minute?
I figured he was going to drop off a bottle of wine or something as a thank you gift so I said sure (I really was not motivated to run, plus I was a little hung over).
There is a knock at the door and I let him in, noticing no bottle but whatever. He walks right into the kitchen, and I was a little surprised when he sat down at the counter. So I put the dog out in the yard and offered him a cup of coffee.
While I am popping a pod into the machine, he is telling me how much he appreciates letting him know about the wallet and how I saved him a huge hassle with his girl, and work, and on and on.
In between his strangely nervous rambling I was asking how he wanted his coffee and just doing the "no big deal" thing.
Then he says "I wanted to do something to show my appreciation"
That's not necessary, I say.
"Can I suck your dick?" he asks very nervously.
I literally choke on my coffee and almost spill it on myself: Excuse me?
Now not making eye contact, he says "It's just something I like to do and have not been able to since moving here. Sam (his girl) knows that I used to do it occasionally in college but isn't super cool with it because we had a tight group of friends and she didn't want it known to everyone. And I thought with moving here I wouldn't be tempted but ..."
I am simultaneously saying "Well thanks I think but that's not really my thing and I have never done this before I did not expect this ..." and some other string of words.
So now he is talking too fast and I am talking too and it is just an awkward situation in the kitchen and it is not even 9:30am.
But a funny thing happened while this simultaneous stammering was going on: my cock started to move a little. Maybe it was being caught off guard, or being hung over: I don't know. I step a little closer to the counter between us to hide it but he glanced down as I moved and could not have missed the bulge where there was no bulge previously.