The week after Valentine's Day, the Summerhouse received an unexpected and unwelcome visitor once lunchtime. Mr Simpson was a short, balding man with a suit from the 1980s and an outlook on life from the 1880s. His fingers rapped on the front door of Martin's wooden den of depravity with a firm, officious knock.
Martin and I were both naked, and my host had little choice but to invite the clipboard-wielding gentleman into our abode. "Mr Duncan Simpson, Cheshire East Council environmental health inspector. We've had reports, and some evidence submitted of loud parties from your neighbour, and I need to discuss the allegations and agree a noise management plan."
"A fucking what?" Martin asked. He stood akimbo with his caged cock twitching in front of the startled man reading from his clipboard. The sight of a chastity cage was too much to see. "This is my house."
"Mr ..."
"Braithwaite," Martin replied.
"Our department has the property owner listed as Mr Kielty."
"That's my maiden name," Martin snapped. "I bought the house as Martin Kielty, and then I got married to Miss Braithwaite. So I am now Mr Braithwaite."
"Mr Braithwaite, please go put some clothes on and we can discuss this. We want to do this reasonably. You don't want me to have to file a report."
"A report?" Martin cackled. "Why would you need to do that?"
"If you just get dressed ..."
"I can't," Martin replied. "I am not allowed to wear clothes while at home. It's a condition of the marriage."
Mr Simpson looked at me. "And neither is he. His fiancée gets very cross if he even thinks about socks."
The council official sighed. Martin gestured towards one of the leather armchairs. "Take a seat, Duncan." He followed the gaze of our guest onto the small table containing Martin's Valentine's Day present from Victoria. "Tea? Coffee? Something stronger, maybe?"
Duncan shook his head and looked down at his papers, blushing profusely. "I'm fine."
"I'll have a coffee," Martin ordered of me. "And Jon, did you fill up on the condoms and the lube for Saturday? I know we are running short, and if we need to order some more, as they take a couple of days to come."
"I'll go order them," I said, catching Martin's grin. "Will a thousand be enough?"
"Make it two." He smiled at the uncomfortable guest and raised his eyebrows. "One can never have too many condoms and too much lube. Eh, Duncan?"
The council official blushed. "I'll take you word for it."
"Oh yes," Martin enthused. "If you want a damn good seeing to, then that condom needs to handle some rough fucking. And that's a torrent of lube and a well-made sturdy johnny."
"Mr Braithwaite, I think you are being deliberately vulgar. Now, when I came here, I was told that you are the owner of this house from the gardener and it is you that is listed on this complaint which alleges that you contravene Subsection 14A of the Noise Regulations 2012 and Paragraphs 12 to 16 of the Environmental Protection Act 2005."
"What about subsection 69?"
"This is serious, Mr Braithwaite."
"Oh, really? So what has the prudish cunt complained about now?"
"Did you, or did you not have a party on the last Friday of January at your house?"
"Um ... yeah, maybe."
"And the following Saturday afternoon, did you have a 'plethora of men to conduct sordid acts in the garden'?"
"I wouldn't call six a plethora," Martin replied. "Merely, a small gathering. And there were five of us servicing the men. The girls got a bit excited. We were all tired after the party the night before. There is only so much fucking your holes can take. So there was spanking, I remember that. Some of us love a thrashing. Do you enjoy a good smack, Mr Simpson?" Martin grinned. "Or do you like to dish it out? I reckon you might be an uptight git at work, but you're a naughty schoolboy in the dungeon."
"Mr Braithwaite, that's enough!"
"Does Teacher discipline you? Does she give you six of the best?" Martin joked.
"Mr Braithwaite! That's enough!" Duncan barked and wiped his brow with his suit sleeve. "Your neighbour has alleged that the noise coming from your property exceeded the legal limit, has photographs and videos shot from that weekend from his estate that support his assertion that there was a weekend of wild, sordid partying at this address. And you seem to admit it."
"Is that legal?" The millionaire asked as I passed Martin his coffee and slipped upstairs to the bedroom to order supplies from his favourite condom supplier. "Isn't videoing people fucking other people on private property against the law? Voyeurism, surely."
"It's not for me to comment. That is a civil matter. But according to his statement, there was loud jeering and screaming at midnight on Friday night followed by several motor vehicles." I could hear the chatter from the room below as Martin spoke to the council officer.