Staring at the few words written on the wrinkled piece of paper is all I can do in this moment. Every letter burns into my brain, their intent is perfectly clear but why? Why the hell did he write it just to get permission to do nothing? So many questions flood my mind, no simple answers to them. It's as if Tag had gone to the extreme just to do nothing about it in the end.
For weeks, months even, he's been cool to me. Yeah, we've been hanging out, playing hockey, studying, all the same old crap we did before yet he's just not the same guy. Thinking about it, I'm not sure that it's actually not me who has changed, not him. Tag has always been low key about everything, takes life in stride but is seriously loyal to me. Like he says, Tonto to the Lone Ranger.
It dawn on me, there have been signs all along, I've just been too stupid, dumb and blind to see what's been in front of my face. How could I have been such an idiot? The whole fiasco the weekend when he and Mel broke up, the comment made about her wanting more, his being, well too busy. Then there was that nasty bit with my sisters perv of a boyfriend. Boyfriend my ass, he's a rapist! OK, maybe I was a little willing, but I didn't go after him, he did it to me!
Holy crap, Tag was jealous! That's what all his steam was about after I spilled my guts out to him. He was pissed that it was someone else, not him, that's got to be it! Gotta be.
Goddam it, I've been rubbing this twisted sexual relationship dad and I have been experiencing right in his face. He knows damn well that I'm messed up, that I have been on the receiving end of it from my own father for some time. Why the hell would he want to put himself into the middle of all this crap? Is he twisted in his own head, just can't come to terms that I have been out to get screwed by my own dad every chance I could? Jeez-us Christ, what have I done to deserve messing up so many good people with my own gut twisting sexual perversions? How many lives am I going to destroy before I figure out that it's always been about me and not them? That I've just used everyone I've had the opportunity to satisfy my own deviant desires?
"Hey, kiddo, you still with me?"
Dad's words bring me back to the here and now. I look into his dark eyes, they have a twinkle that I seldom see. It's that look of when he is just about to tell me that he's proud of me or ready to share his own deepest inner thoughts and desires.
"Yeah, I mean, yes dad, I'm with you."
My eyes drop, looks at the wrinkled piece of paper in my lap. I notice the dirt that had caked on my jeans was smeared in swaths along side the depression my dad's formidable butt makes on the white bed cover.
"Holy shit, Lee's gonna have a fit when he see's the mess we've made."
Glances around the room, follows the path which I had taken to the dresser, I see the dirty footprints left on the floor, the heart shaped imprint of my own bubble butt left on the bed linens. No doubt about it, I'm in trouble.
Lee simply can not stand a mess, ever! He's not only fastidious about his appearance and personal hygiene, he has to have cleanliness and order around himself at all times. I never realized this, but he's actually a passive aggressive when it comes to the place being kept clean.
It dawns on me, another stroke of insight, holy crap, Lee is mom! She always had to have things in their place, the house cleaned like clock work. Dad traded in mom for a male version of her. Lee's mom! Well mom with a huge dark brown dick and muscles for days.
