Tied up in Notts

One thing I admired about Lee was how committed he was. If he wanted something, he went for it. There was very little that could stop him. It's why he was a great lawyer. After the wrestling meet Lee tried to make lunch happen. God, he tried so hard. Despite his best effort, and to this day I do consider it his best work, nothing ever came together. How could it when everyone was working against him? It killed me to see him so defeated and disappointed but there was no other option.

Whatever complicated situation they were in that made it hard to like Lee, that was their burden. I may not have understood their reasons or the why behind them but I did understand that sometimes, despite everything, there were certain people you just didn't like. I wasn't perfect, I'd been there. I worked with teenagers for Christ sake. Some of them rubbed me the wrong way. I even went out of my way to avoid a few of them, that's how annoying they were to me. So, I can genuinely say I held no ill will towards the Knotts. I even missed them. Despite their aversion to my husband, they were fun and outgoing. I even missed them showing up unannounced. Ryan and Logan's arrogance was kind of sweet.

Then there was Penn and I—well, I tried not to miss him the most.

I had more acquaintances than I could count but lacked the friendship that storybooks were made of. Even Nathan, who was my best friend, lacked the depth I craved. Then I met Penn and, what started out as standoffish, morphed into something exciting. It was weird to be thirty-three and feeling like you found your first real friend. I wanted to invite him to the playground and ride the merry go round, maybe go to the forest and poke slugs, beg mom to let us have a sleepover and then stay up all night talking.

I knew letting them go was the right call, there was never a doubt in my mind. It sucked though, to finally find a best friend and then walk away. For selfish reasons I regretted cutting Penn out, but, realistically, what else was there to do?

****

The biggest perk to my job, besides knowing so many awesome kids, was camp. Didn't matter if it was a week in the summer, a month on assignment, or weekend trips in the spring and fall...camp filled my soul. As a full time staff person, I was required to work various roles throughout the year so other areas could have the same experiences I got to have with the kids from my community.

I usually served on the entertainment side. I was part of a two to three-person team that created funny and loveable characters that kids could relate to. I spent my time on stage making kids laugh. Sometimes I was more of a supportive role, making sure volunteer leaders were taken care of mentally and emotionally. Once, I was even the camp director. It was a big role, one that pushed me beyond my limits. I was in no hurry to do that again.

The upcoming trip was a new adventure for me. I'd been asked to be the camp speaker. I spoke weekly at club, in front of kids I knew well, but had never done it at camp. I was excited to challenge myself in a new way.

Nothing about the weekend started out well. The night before I needed to leave, I'd put my iPad on the charger. It had everything I needed for the weekend. Every outline to every talk I planned to give, the weekend schedule, the housing information, the list of people I'd be working with, the wifi password, everything. When I woke up, it was dead. I tired and tired but couldn't get the damn thing to charge.

Everything was backed up to the cloud so I asked Lee if I could borrow his iPad for the weekend. I had bought him one years ago but he never took to it. I'd only ever seen him use it once or twice and only to try and make me feel better about buying a crappy gift. He loved his phone but never found his groove with the iPad. I was surprised, I thought he would have utilized it for work.

"It's yours if you can find it," he said as he watched me scrambling to get the last of my things. He would've helped but he hadn't touched the thing in a year and probably didn't know here it was at. I finally found it, at the bottom of a drawer. It was dead but when I plugged it in, the charging icon lit up. That was more than I could say for mine. I unplugged it and shoved it and the charger in my bag, kissed Lee goodbye. Just as I was about to rush out the door, Lee grabbed me.

I was flustered and, in a hurry, but he waited for me to calm down.

"Everything's going to be great. You're going to do great. This is what you're good at and you've been preparing for months. I love you." I was still feeling anxious when he kissed me. I kissed him back and turned to rush out. Lee pulled me back again, making me more frustrated. I needed to leave. Now. Lee looked me in the eyes, ever so patiently. "I love you."

I set my bag down and wrapped my arms around Lee. "I love you too. I'm so overwhelmed right now."

"I know, but you got this. Use the drive to collect yourself. Being stressed out won't benefit anyone," he said. "And be safe."

Camp was seven hours away so I took the Audi. Lee didn't love when we switched cars but he didn't complain either. I got to camp in record time and checked into my room. For a youth camp in the middle of nowhere, the accommodations were pretty nice. The main downfall was no cell service paired with pretty terrible Wi-Fi.

I put the iPad on the charger and unpacked my stuff. I had a few hours before kids would begin to arrive and I had a lot to do. When the iPad turned on, it wouldn't let me do much with being updated. Thirty minutes later it was ready to go. It was still synced to Lee's phone and full of a million notifications. Poor Lee never had a break.

I was about to log out of his account and log in under my account when everything flipped upside down.

It was a text, not a regular one, but one from a messaging app. It was so weird, Lee didn't use a messaging app, he had no reason to. We were adults who had phone plans and social media accounts. Why would he need an app used by kids who had to text from hand me down iPods and Kindles?

'It's about time. I missed you.'

My stomach dropped like a lead weight. I had no illusions. I didn't need to investigate further; I knew what I'd find. But I looked anyway. I should've stopped, but I didn't.

There were a lot of messages. Even some pictures. A quick glance was enough to make me nauseous and light headed. I scrolled as fast as I could. I didn't want to read any more words or see any more pictures of Lee and—I couldn't even say his name.

I just wanted to know when—

June third. My stomach churned and my eyes burned. It wasn't three months ago, June third. It was three June thirds ago.

By the time it sunk in, I was sweating. My clothes felt damp and tight, I pulled at my collar but it wouldn't give. My head hurt and my lips were chapped. I felt worse than I did after the race in Seattle. Most of all, my heart was broken.

I slowly set the tablet down and stared at the wall. It would've been easy, really fucking easy, to lay in that bed and never get up. But I couldn't. I was there for a reason and I needed to focus. It was like my brain was going a thousand miles an hour but standing still at the same time. I was emotional and completely void.

I was in survival mode. I had to survive the weekend and I couldn't do that by thinking about—

Someone knocked on my door. I looked at my watch, two hours had passed since I had arrived. Two hours.

Wayne stood there, smiling. I'd known him since I was fifteen. He was the reason I joined Yevo staff in the first place. Wayne had been my boss since day one. He'd actually just been promoted, he was no longer just my boss, he was everyone's boss. There wasn't a better man for the job. At sixty, he had the age and wisdom of a wise owl while having the maturity level and sense of humor of an adolescent.

"Nash," he said enthusiastically. An oversized smile graced his face. He leaned in and hugged me. He held my shoulders and he gave me a once over. His smile faded, "Whoa there, what's going on?"

I wasn't going to tell him. I really wasn't. But then I did. I told him everything I knew, which wasn't much. I even told him who the other man was, Paul. I'd seen the pictures in the chat and I knew it was true. It made sense. It explained so much—why Paul was such an asshole to me.

He was sleeping with my husband.

Wayne sat there while I calmly processed my husband's infidelity. My loving husband who hung my moon. I should have been more upset but I felt scarily calm. It could have been the years of counseling others that allowed me to look Wayne in the eyes without flinching and explained how my entire life was a goddamn lie. Or maybe it was just a bit of self-preservation.

"Well, fuck shit piss Mississippi," Wayne said when I finished.

Despite the tragic turn my life had just taken, I laughed at his words.

His kids were my age. When his oldest, Jacob, was a kid, they rearranged his room. When they moved his dresser, they saw fuck shit piss Mississippi written on the side. Jacob was ten or so and had just learned to spell a few cuss words and, of course, Mississippi was a milestone word of its own, complete with its own song and everything. Wayne and Lori couldn't help but laugh. Twenty years later and it had become a popular term within our community. Leave it to Wayne to say it in a way that can bring humor in any situation.

"I couldn't agree more," I said, trying to smile.

"Well, what happens next?"

I scooted back on the bed until I was leaning against the headboard. "Go home. Get a divorce?" I looked at him in loss of what to do. "I don't know what else there is."

"You don't think you guys can work it out?"

"No," I shook my head. "Maybe if it had been a fluke—" I cringed; what kind of fluke landed you in someone else's bed? "Or a one-time thing, maybe we could go to counseling and work past it. But, Wayne, whatever is going on with them started over two years ago. That's—"

Too much. Too serious. Too long. I could feel the emotion trembling in my chest. I looked away.

"Yeah," he agreed sympathetically. He fully understood that Lee's actions were past reconciliation. Two years isn't a fling, it's a second life. One that didn't include me. "How are you so calm about this? You are kind of freaking me out."

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I know this isn't a dream. I know this is real, but it feels like a joke. Like, it's written on the surface but the ink hasn't penetrated my skin."

"It will hit you like the flames from a burning motorhome."

I laughed again, remembering the story of his younger years when he first joined YEVO. He was hosting a bonfire. One thing led to another and his old motorhome had caught on fire. Ended up being fined two grand by the police and almost lost his job.

"How did you get this promotion again? The 'what not to do' manual is written from your experiences. You're a terrible example," I laughed.

"Yet, here I am," he laughed. We talked for a little longer. We walked through some logical next-steps. We also talked about ways to handle the situation with grace. Which I needed because the more it sank in, the more I wanted to murder Lee.

I didn't need to be reminded that, no matter what was happening in my personal life, I had a community of people watching me. I was a public figure. That kind of pressure had never bothered me, I thrived on the accountability. I had also never gone through something so terrible, either.

Wayne looked at his watch.

"Most of the camp has arrived. Why don't I grab dinner and bring it back here?"

I thought about it. I could stay cooped up in my room but I wasn't sure that was the best idea. "I'd like to go. If I sit in this room I'm going to dwell. I'm not ready for that."

"Your call," he smiled. "Are you leaving in the morning?" he asked because obviously I would no longer be speaking.

"Yeah. I think it's best."

The dining hall was full of people and loud as ever. The distraction was nice. Wayne had been on staff since the dinosaur era and was able to take my place as speaker with little effort. He'd covered in a pinch a time or two. I don't know if everyone knew why I was sitting in the back of the room instead of standing in front of three hundred college kids, but no one said anything, and for that, I was grateful.

****

"Don't worry, I got it," I teased.

Wayne sat in one of the camp golf carts while I tossed my stuff in the back seat. "I learned a long time ago that you didn't need my help."

When I finished, he got out of the cart and pulled me into a hug. "You call me. No one expects you to go through this alone. I'll come to you if you need. Let me know when you're ready and I'll be there to address the committee with you. We'll deal with this together."

I nodded and got in the car. Wayne leaned forward and rested his elbows on the window seal. "None of this is a reflection of who you are. This Lee," he reached out and squeezed my shoulder. "Don't you forget that. And no matter how hard the upcoming days are, it will get better. Don't deviate from who you are. If there's one thing I know about you, it's that you're better than the circumstances you're dealt, and you will come out stronger."

"Great speech, can you say it again so I record it?"

"I love you," Wayne playfully slapped me upside the head and laughed.

"Don't get all smoochy on me. You're old and gross," I whined.

Wayne barked then grabbed the back of my neck and planted a sloppy kiss on my forehead. We both laughed as I used his sweater to wipe my forehead clean.

****

The ride home was brutal. I let my mind wander to bad places. There were a few times I was tempted to grab his iPad and do more than glance at the messages. I was tempted to read every torrid detail. In the end, I knew there'd be no benefit from that knowledge...only lasting damage.

When I wasn't causing myself emotional scars, I thought about things from a logistical standpoint. How would I confront him? How would he react? Where would I stay? What would I do? Wow would the divorce go? Single life would be an adjustment, especially with my meager income. I prepared myself for the fact I might need to sell a bunch of stuff on eBay. Goodbye to the vacations and the vehicle upgrade we'd been talking about.

Not that any of that mattered when I thought about the dissolution of my eleven-year marriage. The man I put above all else didn't feel the same. Fuck, he wasn't even the man I thought I loved. It was going to take a lot of self-control to not question everything I thought I knew now that my entire world had shifted.

When I got back to town, I drove past my house and straight to Lenny's. I needed to get a few things in order before confronting Lee...like a place to stay. Okay, I might have been procrastinating. Once I confronted Lee, there'd be no going back and that was a terrifying thought. I knew I couldn't be with Lee but that didn't make ending the marriage any easier.

There was a thin line between the past and the future.

****

Lenny and Tia lived on the edge of town. Their driveway was steep and treacherous and hesitating was the difference between making it to the top or spinning your wheels. I used to feel bad about bombing up their road like a crazy person but now I found it fun.

The view from the top was—wow. It overlooked the city, along with the ocean, the lake, and the mountains. I could spend hours with a view like that.

When I finally got to the top, there were bumper to bumper cars outside their house.

I parked by the guest cottage and sent Lenny a text. I hoped and prayed no one saw me come up. I didn't have it in me to pretend like things were fine. The closer I got to confronting Lee, the worse I felt. I just needed Len.

A few minutes later he came out of the garage looking for me. I waved discretely from the far side of their circular driveway. I could have met him half way but I made him come to me.

"Hey Nash, I thought you were gone all weekend?"

"I was but things changed and I had to come home. Which is why I'm here. Can I stay in the cottage for a while?"

Len looked at me for a second, confusing in his eyes. "Of course, you and Lee are welcome anytime. When do you guys need it?"

"Tonight would be good. And—-um, it'll just be me."

Len looked at me then back at the house to see if we were still alone. "Yeah, okay. Is everything okay?"

"No, not at all."

I knew he wanted more but he bit his tongue. "Whatever you need, Nash, don't hesitate to ask. I know I don't have to say it but, you're welcome to anything we have."

It was true. They had an open-door policy, literally. They had a beautiful home and they never locked it. People came and went as they pleased. I had made myself home there many times. Lenny and Tia were among the most generous and trusting people I had ever met.

I looked past Len and saw Ryan and Logan coming out the side door, laughing about something. When they saw I was with Len they smiled and waved. Len followed my gaze and saw them, too.

"That's my cue," I said and started to walk backward. "What time will everyone be gone?"

"A couple of hours. I can text you if you'd like?"

"That would be great."

I heard my name being yelled and I panicked.

"Don't worry about them. I'll take care of it."

****

I took the long way home. In a small town like Lincoln, it added a whopping seven minutes to my drive. When I pulled up, the garage door was open so I pulled in. I sat in the car for a while. I didn't tell him I was coming home early and didn't know what to expect when I walked in.

Did I come straight out and tell him I knew? Did I pretend like nothing was wrong, then pack my stuff when he wasn't looking and leave? Did I try and get him to volunteer the information? After years of lying and cheating I didn't think he'd come clean on his own. That ship had sailed.

My phone binged with another new message. I thought it might've been Penn or Ryan, they'd sent me a few after I left Len's. They were left unread. This one was from Wayne. It was a little encouragement. Reminding me to stay level headed no matter how things went.

The house was quiet as I set my stuff on the kitchen table. Maybe Paul was there. Maybe they were in bed together? Part of me hoped so, it would almost make things easier. Except it wouldn't. It would devastate me.

I grabbed his iPad, just in case, and set out to find Lee...and possibly Paul.

"Christ, Nash!" He shouted as he leaned against the wall, holding his chest. "You scared the shit out of me. What are you doing home so early?"

I watched his face. He looked startled but not guilty meaning Paul wasn't there. I wasn't sure what to say. The last text I had read between the two had been a rendezvous this weekend while I was out of town. No matter how much of the drive home was focused on this moment, none of it prepared me for confronting him. It was the first time in my life that I stood in front of Lee, speechless.

"You're having an affair with Paul," I blurted, going with the direct approach.

Lee's mouth opened. Before he could come up with some bullshit answer I turned and walked downstairs. I was terrified to hear what he had to say.

I could hear his footsteps as he chased me to the kitchen. "What are you talking about?!" He was freaking out.

I unlocked his iPad and shoved the screen in his face.

"I saw it all. It's all there," I shook the offending device. "Everything you and Paul said. I saw it."

His eyes widened as he stood there in shock. He didn't make an effort to grab the iPad. He didn't need confirmation. We both knew. "Nash," he pleaded. "It was a mistake I made a long time ago."

I had to think about it. I hadn't read the messages thoroughly, maybe I'd gotten something wrong? I had an idea. I pointed to the nanny cam that sat in the living room. We had a couple of them placed throughout the house so we could keep an eye on the kids when they house sat for us. I trusted them, but not that much.