The rollercoaster of anxiety, excitement, and fear I felt leading to Penn's arrival was nothing compared to the day of.
My fingers drummed nervously against the door panel as the taxi driver weaved in and out of traffic. Thai driving always had me on edge but this time it was for a completely different reason. In the short time since we'd become friends, he'd managed to root himself so deep it felt like I couldn't breathe without him.
Yes, he'd become my respiratory system. Just like we take breaths without thinking, Penn had managed to embed himself in my life. But for all the happiness and excitement, there was also fear and anxiety. There were lots of little things we never talked about. That would all be coming to an end.
Then there was Cam. She was something I tried not to dwell on. I'd casually brought her up a few times. I had to. How could I call myself a friend if I pretended, they weren't married and potentially going through something big? He either gushed about her or breezed to another subject, saying he couldn't talk about it just yet.
The cabbie dropped me off at arrivals and I made my way inside the airport. I spent the hour before his arrival playing emotional ping pong. One minute I wanted to damn the consequences and throw myself at Penn. The next minute I was chastising myself for being reckless and irresponsible.
How could I do to her what had been done to me and not live with that regret for the rest of my life?
But—I wanted him. Possibly, was even in love with him.
But—he had someone. If I was right and there was something between us, then he needed to deal with his baggage in a respectable manner, on his own, and I'd needed to be patient.
It was all hypothetical anyway. I wasn't stupid, actions painted a pretty clear picture of what was happening. But Penn and I had never talked about it, or us, or whatever might be between us. Hell, maybe I was romanticizing it all in my head like some pathetic loser.
I needed to slow my roll before I planned a future that didn't exist.
I looked at my watch and saw there were twenty minutes before he arrived. Just enough time to use the restroom. I laughed when I saw myself in the mirror. I looked like a show pony. I had gone all out for his arrival. Until a few days ago, my body hadn't seen a razor since I had boarded the plane in Portland. I looked like Grizzly Adams.
I went to a highly recommended hole-in-the-wall barber with the promise he'd do me right. I hoped on all that was good in life, that it wasn't a double entendre.
It wasn't.
The end result was more Hollywood than I could've guessed an old man in a tiny shop was capable of. It put the pre-Thailand haircut Kelsea gave me to shame. It wasn't something I would've chosen but it wasn't bad. My beard looked night and day better. He trimmed it from a six-month beard to something more respectable. Short, trimmed, but natural.
I knew Penn would notice the difference. Even when I lived in Lincoln and took decent care of myself, I never looked this maintained. I smoothed my shirt and scanned the crowd, constantly looking at the bag tags to see if any said PDX>BKK. That would tell me if he was close. Finally, I saw him.
He was finally here and I had no clue what to do. I stood on the balcony of the second floor as he rode the wave of travelers up the escalators.
I wasn't the only one who had cleaned up. He looked as fresh as I'd ever seen him. He might've been one of the most attractive guys I'd ever met but he'd never been fashion-forward. He always had the same standard haircut and alternated between newer work clothes and older work clothes.
The new Penn, the one coming up the escalators, he stole my breath. It should've been a sin to look so good. His jeans weren't his standard-issue Levi's and the black V-neck he wore was new and fit perfectly.
While he stepped off the escalator and scanned the room, I snuck up from behind and grabbed his pack, making him stumble.
"
Is this all you packed
?" I repeated the words he had said to me all those months ago.
It took him a second, then he smiled. I'd never experienced a better greeting. His expression—I never knew you could smile from your soul.
"Nay," he whispered my newly appointed nickname, that made me feel all sorts of good inside, before wrapping me in a desperate hug.
The world moved around us. It was perfect. He felt so damn good in my arms...so good I never wanted to let go. I dug my face in his neck and breathed in his scent. It was something I missed. No matter what he did, he smelled good.
"How was the flight?" I asked and I nodded for Penn to follow me. I grabbed his luggage and we made our way through the airport to the taxis.
"Long, subpar food, not enough legroom, you know—the norm," he laughed. "But, hey, I'm here!"
"That you are," I cheered. "What do you want to do first?"
"Shower and nap. It feels like a week since I've slept." And it probably had been a week since he slept.
The ride to the apartment was tense and awkward. I had to put my hands in my lap to stop me from touching him. It seemed he had to restrain himself also. There was so much known between us, but left unsaid, that neither of us knew how to behave.
Every accidental touch was stroke inducing. If that wasn't bad enough, we kept catching each other's eyes. It was all so...juvenile. And I loved it.
I showed him around the flat then sent him to the shower. Sleep accommodations were nil, which meant that we'd be sharing a bed. It was something we'd done half a dozen times before but suddenly made me nervous. Things were different. Words had been started but not finished. Intentions had been implied.
I was setting an extra blanket on the bed when Penn walked in the room. He was freshly showered in athletic shorts and an old, ripped shirt. The whole thing made him look as delicious as ever.
He wiggled his phone. "I set the alarm for forty-five minutes. I just need a quick nap and then we can do whatever." Penn crawled on the bed and covered himself up without a second glance. When he drifted off, I got up and turned off his alarm. Jet-lag was something I was familiar with and he needed more than forty-five minutes.
The list of things I could've done while he slept was a mile long, instead, I laid next to Penn. I had missed him so much, more than I ever imagined possible. Him napping allowed me the chance to soak him up after being apart for months without feeling stressed or pressured.
I ached to reach out and run my fingers down his jaw or trace the masculine profile of his nose. I bit my lip when his lips parted so he could snore ever so softly.
It wasn't the right time to want him as bad as I did. But then again, I wasn't sure there'd ever be a good time.
I was waiting for the judge to make my divorce official. Then the unacknowledged ball would be in Penn's court and I had no clue what to expect from that.
Every time we'd FaceTime and every time we texted; I was desperate to lay it all on the table. I wanted confirmation that I wasn't crazy, that I wasn't imagining the spark between us. But no matter how much I wanted to; I couldn't initiate the conversation. If Penn felt the same then he'd make the choice on his own without my input. Whatever he did, it couldn't be because of me or something I said.
I felt my eyes grow heavy as I watched him sleep. An hour and a half later I woke feeling like a million bucks. My whole fortune, lying next to me. I snapped a picture of the sleeping beauty and posted it to social media with a caption parody of Ying Yang Twins: Get Low.
'To the window, to the wall. To my comfy bed, I crawl. Down this big long hall. Ahh sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.'
I laughed as I posted it. If he had social media, he'd appreciate it. His family did, though and I knew they'd get a kick out of it.
He finally woke a few hours later. It was like watching a bear wake from hibernation; slow and difficult. He tried so hard to open his sleep riddled eyes but it was too difficult. He couldn't do it. He lay motionless for a minute before trying again. He blinked and stretched and changed positions before settling back into a light sleep.
I propped myself on my elbow and watched him repeat the cycle as he slowly came to.
"I'm so fucking tired," he yawned and pulled the blanket tight around him so he could go back to sleep.
"No, you don't," I chided when he tried to close his eyes again. "You've been asleep for three hours and now it's time to get up or you'll never get over the jetlag."
"Three hours? More like three minutes."
He groaned when I pulled off the blankets but reluctantly sat on the edge of the bed and tried to get his bearings. I had to do something; I couldn't watch him be so damn cute.
"Get up and I'll introduce you to the roommates."
****
"So, this is Penn?" John's voice was too suggestive and I wanted to punch him.
