Holy smokes his room was huge. It was only marginally smaller than the bunk room I was sharing with a dozen guys. I felt slightly less guilty as I took the room in. Penn stood at the end of his bed and looked around the room, at the floor, where he was trying to find the best place for me to sleep.
"I think there's an extra mattress in the garage."
"Oh no," I said, feeling stupid for standing there like an idiot instead of doing something productive like not making things more awkward then they were. "Mine's in the hall."
Penn grabbed the mattress that was leaning against the wall in the hall while I scooped up the bedding that had fallen on the floor. He paused by the bed, looked around, then walked to the other side of the room and set the mattress under the window.
"It's kind of like a cove over here and I know storms make you sleep," he reasoned.
We set my bed up at the absolute furthest point from Penn's bed—both physically and emotionally. That was fine. I was fine with that. I got it. Point taken.
"Well—" Penn and I stood there, neither of us knowing what to say. He looked at me for a long moment then looked away. "Goodnight."
I watched as he went to his bed. I wanted to talk about what had happened but I was already overstepping by coming to his room. I turned away because watching him as I undressed down to my underwear didn't seem like the best idea. That didn't stop me from watching his shadowed figure once I was in bed. Despite the tension between us, I felt like a weight had been lifted. Just being in the same room, even if I was in the timeout corner, was curative. I couldn't even convince myself it was a bad idea because somehow, I knew it wasn't.
I was far from sleep, too much on my mind, when I heard Penn say something. "What?" I asked.
"
I said, thank you
," he half shouted. I knew he did it to make me laugh and it totally worked.
"Of course, it's my pleasure. Anytime you need someone to sleep on the floor of your room, I'm your man," I responded. Penn said something but, again, I couldn't hear and had to ask him to repeat himself.
"
Not for sleeping in here
," he said loudly, and I could tell he was smiling. "For tonight."
"I know," I laughed. "And I only said what needed to be said—seriously?" I yelled when I heard Penn say something under his breath. "Now you're doing it on purpose."
"I've never seen my family so stunned. I don't think anyone ever put them in their place like that. You came close a while back, but, tonight—tonight was—"
"Tonight needed to be said," I finished. "I don't know if they thought it was funny or what they hoped to achieve, but it was wrong."
Penn said something, I could hear him but I couldn't fully understand what he was saying. I got up and dragged my mattress until it was next to his bed. "If we're going to talk, I can't be over there in the back forty next to the window that's being beat to an inch of its life."
Penn smiled and propped himself up on one arm. I sat, crisscross with my shoulder against his bed, facing him. His bed was high enough that I could easily rest my head against the top of the mattress as we talked. But now that I was right there, it seemed neither of us had anything to say.
"Were they always like this and I just didn't see it?" I finally asked.
"They've always been like this, yes."
"And I didn't see it?"
Penn stared at me then shrugged. "It's not that big of a deal. I'm the little brother. I get picked on."
"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me," I quoted the good book. "You don't have to excuse them. I think the way you always silently support your family by going along with whatever they do is honorable. I think there's value in having that role. But it loses value when you don't honor yourself. And Penn, you're not honoring yourself."
Penn watched but didn't respond, so I continued. "In your family Ryan is the Alpha, Logan's the Beta, and you're the Omega. And honestly, I don't know if I got that right, I don't follow the hierarchy of ware-culture all that closely, but you get my point. I think it's interesting that your nieces and nephews picked the swim-shorts they did, calling you the Alpha of your own pack. It's fitting and I think it's a call to order."
"You know how stupid you sound right now," Penn said, trying not to laugh.
"Probably real stupid," I laughed. "But I'm not wrong."
Penn didn't argue, instead he adjusted himself until his head lay on the edge of the mattress. When he finished getting comfortable, he watched me. I rested my head on the mattress and watched him. It wasn't a terrible view. At this distance I could see his face even in the darkened room. I could even see emotion in those dark eyes. He was nervous, like me. But he was also relieved, like me.
"I'm kind of dreading tomorrow," I said.
"Why?"
"It's going to be so awkward facing your family after tonight."
Penn sighed. "Yeah, me too."
"How do you think they'll react?"
"Ryan and Lo will wake up early so they can make breakfast before we get up. They'll look like wounded puppies and they'll be really nice. They won't apologize right away, maybe not even while we're here."
"Maybe not ever?" I asked.
"They'll apologize in their own way."
"Do you think that's part of the problem?" I asked. "Have they ever been held accountable for the things they've said and done. Not just to you, but to anyone?"
"No."
"Do you think breakfast and a couple puppy dog eyes will benefit anyone in the long run?"
"I get what you're saying, I really do, but you have to understand that this isn't the way we've ever dealt with things. You're not the only ones who are dreading tomorrow. As much as they want to wake up and pretend like tonight never happened, so do I. I don't know what you expect me to do."
I sat up and looked at him. "I don't
expect
anything from you. If you want to wake up and go eat their breakfast and guilt and immaturity, I'll be at that table eating that burnt offering right beside you. But I think you can do better. I think you deserve better. But I'll do whatever you want, no questions asked."
Penn looked at me, disbelieving.
"Okay," I admitted. "I'd probably have
something
to say. But I'd still support you."
"What would I even say?" he asked. "How would I bring it up."
"You could tell them in advance that you want to talk, get them good and freaked out, or you could corner them, whatever works for you. Then tell them why what they did wasn't kosher. Tell them how it's made you feel. If this isn't an isolated incident, which I don't think it is, give a few other examples. The whole conversation doesn't have to be about what they did wrong. You can use it to let them know how you're feeling because, honestly, I don't think they know."
"That's a lot."
