--------
Over the next couple of days, we all took advantage of the warm weather to do a bit of sightseeing until the time came for me to meet my biological father. As promised, Rachel accompanied me.
We first met in a restaurant over lunch. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't have high expectations, that's for sure. I couldn't say that I was in desperate search of a sense of identity from a father I'd never met. As much as I resented James for making my childhood miserable and difficult, I couldn't say that I had grown up without a father figure. I wasn't trying to fill a hole, but it was nice to discover where the other half of me came from, to figure out who I really was and to meet that person whose features were so similar to mine.
I hoped meeting him would have a positive impact on my life, and even on my relationship with my mother. He wasn't mad at her. On the contrary, he was glad she hadn't shaken up his whole life by telling him about me. He helped me realize that I had to stop being so hard on my mother. She was just a twenty-five-year-old at the time who had to make the difficult decision to keep her baby no matter the consequences it would have on her marriage.
Although he was a stranger to me and I was a stranger to him, that didn't stop us from experiencing a surge of emotion when we stood face to face and from welling up a little. It was kind of awkward and intimidating at first but thankfully, there was no language barrier between us and he was an outgoing person who immediately made you feel at ease.
He invited all of us over for a barbecue a couple of days later and I met his wife and children. I discovered I had a whole other family, another half brother and sister I knew nothing about. It already felt like they were welcoming me completely into their lives. I didn't expect any of them to go out of their way to recognize that I was there, but they did and it felt really good to know we'd probably maintain some sort of relationship. We'd already made plans to see each other again.
Even though Rob wasn't there and they hadn't actually seen me with him, they had no problem accepting the fact that I was gay, contrary to my own family. Apart from Amy, they weren't exactly cool with it. My 'brother', Thomas, was only pretending to be, and my mother was unable to even pronounce the word 'gay' or 'homosexual' in front of me. She could only use the word 'different'. She'd always thought that I was 'different' she'd said. Thomas had been raised believing everything his father had taught him ... that a man had to be strong and virile, that being in touch with your feminine side was wrong, that doing anything remotely artistic was weird and pointless and that being gay was abnormal... he had grown up with all these codes around him... and in a way, I had too. However, I had also spent a lot of my time at Rob's where I could really be myself. With his parents, every hobby was encouraged, it was ok to be artistic, to talk about your feelings, to have flaws and weaknesses, it was ok to cry... As a kid, I'd honestly had no idea that I was gay, but I did feel that I was somewhat different and unable to conform to my parents' expectations. If it hadn't been for Rob's, god knows how much harder it would have been for me to come to terms with being gay.
----
After meeting my father, we stayed in France and went on a road trip along the Mediterranean coast. We spent a few days in
Montpellier, Nimes
and
Marseille
. Then, we went to
Fréjus
where I used to spend the summer with my family.
We had been staying in
Saint Tropez
for a week when Rob sent me a message on whatsapp one evening. It wasn't unusual because we'd text each other almost on a daily basis. He'd tell me about some of the stuff he was doing and I'd tell him about our trip and send him a few pictures.
"Hey, what were you up to today?"
"We ate at that 3 michelin starred restaurant la Vague d'Or I was telling you about. It was supposed to be full but they got us a table. Totally worth trying to get one. Then afternoon at the beach. You?"
"Cool. What was the menu like?"
I sent him a few pictures we had taken of the dishes.
"wow, looks beautiful."
"It was. We almost didn't dare to touch it."
" I have smth special to share with you today."
"What is it?"
"I've collaborated with Sam Smith while he was recording here in LA. We wrote a song together that will be on his new album. And he helped me write one, that I hope, will be on the record. Take a listen ;) I love you"
"Alright. I'm guessing the lyrics are meant for me?"
"Just take a listen... and take your time"
I smiled. I was surprised to read that he had gotten back into the studio. I hadn't expected him to do that. It was so comforting to know that he wanted to write music again and that he'd actually done it.
I went to pull off my headphones out of my Ipod, plugged them in my phone and made myself comfortable on the bed. Although I wasn't sure what to expect, knowing the kind of music Sam Smith was writing, I was pretty sure that the song he'd written with him was some sort of love song, and that I'd end up with tears welling up in my eyes by the end of it.
As I listened, it definitely had its intended effect on me. From the first hearing, I was overcome with emotion. His voice and the words he sang gave me goose bumps and sent chills down my spine. I listened to it again. Damn, his voice, his gorgeous voice. There was a passion in his singing that really drove the song and made it so special. I could tell this was a song with a double reading, but as I focused on the message, that he was missing me, I couldn't help but feel over emotional. I couldn't bring myself to listen to it again so I played the second song.
And, boy, did he kill me with that one. The way it made me feel was unexplainable. It was very different to the first song, which sounded very 'Sam Smith'.
This one was him, all him. It was his style, his sound -- our sound -- and it was awesome. The lyrics hit me right in the 'feels' and instantly made me cry. I couldn't stop playing it on repeat. The more I listened to it, the better it got -- which to me, was what made a track special, because when a song did that, it meant that you would never get tired of hearing it.
There was a whole new level of honesty in the lyrics. I could tell that he had challenged himself and it made me feel so hopeful for the future. I began thinking that maybe it was the direction we ought to take for our new record, use everything we had gone through in the past few months to write new songs together.
---------
A while later, Rachel walked back into my room after I'd told her to listen to the songs. I had been scrolling through the fans reaction to a picture I had just posted on Instagram of Rob and I together as kids. I had found it while going through photo albums with Amy and immediately thought that this was a picture our fans would love to see. It was also a way to tell him, publicly, that I loved the songs, that I loved him and that I wanted people to know that.
I was about to pass out into sleep when she jumped onto the bed, grabbed my arm and shook me,
"Oh my god Mark, why aren't you packing yet. Get on the fucking plane!"
I opened my eyes and rubbed them wearily.
"I loved that you shared the picture," she said, "people are absolutely loving it."
"Yeah, I know," I agreed, "so, do you think I should go?" I asked with a smile I couldn't take off my face, already knowing the answer.
She stared at me with a grin,
"Of course. He did what he had to do, he went to rehab. And with these songs, he's proven to you that he's back to his normal self. He's writing music.... he's ready to take things seriously and go after your dreams and goals again. What more does he have to do? And gosh, those lyrics; they're so heartfelt and beautiful. I'm jealous, just go," she said with a giggle.
I certainly didn't need much convincing. I had already decided to go and I was elated at the thought of being with him again sooner than we had intended. It was making my whole body tingle with anticipation.
"I want to, but he still has to stay for a couple more weeks."
"So what? You're allowed to stay there with him, surprise him!"
"You don't mind?" I said, knowing she'd say no, though I still felt like I needed to ask because it meant cutting the vacation short. We had planned on staying a bit longer and leaving for
Monaco
a couple of days later.
"Get on the plane!" she yelled enthusiastically.
I laughed.
"Alright, alright, you don't need to yell," I joked.
-----------
When I told Jordan and Dylan that I wanted to leave in the morning to go to L.A, they obviously had no objection. They all chose to stay in France and finish the road trip without me so I got on a flight to Paris and from there, took a direct flight to Los Angeles on the following day.
I would normally sleep pretty easily on flights to pass time, but on this one, I couldn't. I was too excited, so when I landed in LAX around noon, I already felt jetlagged .... It really was the worst part of traveling but being an experience traveler now, I knew what to do to avoid messing up my body clock. Thankfully, I had been traveling west, which made it easier to get over the jetlag. Traveling east would always hit me a lot harder.
As eager as I was to see Rob, I first checked into a hotel not far from the center in Malibu to recuperate a little.
I took a short nap, then I showered to wash off the flight grime and force myself to wake up and take a stroll outside. Going out and exploring would always give that second wind I needed to get through a really tiring day. Then I had something to eat and went to "
Promises
" in the evening.
---------
I stood in the middle of his room, alone. I resisted the temptation to look around too much but seeing all of his stuff gave me an instant feeling of comfort. Everything was familiar and I was immediately at ease in the room.
I sat on the couch, having no idea how long I'd have to wait. The lady who had let me in had said that she'd make sure he'd have to go back to his room soon so I knew it wouldn't be too long. I could tell from the smile on her face that she knew who I was, why I was here, and she wanted to help.
