"Why d'you stop the car?" Rob asked full of concern.
I gripped the steering wheel tightly and didn't speak. He reached over and rubbed my shoulder lightly.
"Babe, you've been back before, it's ok."
"I know, and I feel exactly the same. I don't know - I don't know what I'm doing here," I sighed and his hand moved to the back of my neck.
"You're here because I've asked you to be," he said.
"I shouldn't have come, what's the point, it's been three years and nothing's different with her and I really don't need to see James again."
"We're here to see the old place before it's sold."
I sighed again.
"Come on, Mark, we've only got to turn that last corner and we'll be there," he said, his hand soothingly caressing the nape of my neck, making me feel safe and taken care of.
"And if we do see James - and I hope we will - then you'll finally get closure."
"Why does everybody think I need closure? I'm fine."
He didn't say anything for a moment and I still didn't re-start the car.
"Well, if you're not going to drive, then there's something I'd like to do, you're giving me no choice!" he said and took a slim leather document wallet from his footwell before he opened the door of the McLaren supercar he and Jordan had got me for my birthday.
"Rob, where're you going?"
"Wait and see," he grinned, leaving the door open.
"C'mon, what're you up to?"
I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel, my anxiety level rising with every second that passed.
"Rob, come on, what the fuck are you doing?" I yelled.
He leaned down to look at me,
"Won't be long, open the boot or whatever it is you petrol heads call it in one of these things," he said smugly.
"Oh for fuck's sake, can you not make it harder for me."
I'd vacillated about coming here since Rob and I had first talked about it but he had pleaded with me to be here with him so I'd finally agreed.
The one compromise I'd insisted on was that we came mid-week when my not-a-father might not be home, at a time he should be at work, even though the only reason Rob wanted me to come with him was for me to confront James. I could cope with speaking with my mother but seeing James again would be another matter entirely.
Hence my anxiety levels being sky-high.
I too had wanted to visit Rob's old bedroom one last time to say goodbye to it forever - this house had always been my sanctuary and somehow it felt like our eager teenaged selves were still there. But it also felt like I'd be saying goodbye to my young naïve self.
"Come on, let's go, drive on babe," Rob said as he got back into the passenger seat. I looked at him questioningly and he smiled at me.
I pressed the gas pedal and just as we turned into the road where we'd grown up Rob changed the music - it was the un-edited recording of our last tour. We filmed and recorded all the shows so we could improve on our stage performances every time we went on the road.
"Rob, what the hell?" I moved to turn it down, or preferably off, but he stopped me.
"Rob, he won't be there to hear it!" I said, hoping I was right.
"Maybe not, but I'm sure your mother will be - and maybe some of the neighbours."
He still hadn't told me what he'd been up to when he'd got out of the car.
"Is it me or does everything look," Rob paused, "smaller?" he asked as I stopped the car outside his old home.
He was right, it did and then I thought that maybe we'd been away long enough to no longer see things as we had as kids.
"Come on babe, time to say goodbye."
"Yeah," I breathed, "I suppose it is," I kept my eyes on the road ahead.
"Are you ok now?" he'd leaned close enough to speak into my ear.
"Actually no, and don't ask because I can't say why."
"Can't or won't?" Rob asked.
"Just can't, I can't even explain it to myself," I said, although I knew I was just nervous because I knew the time had come to confront James - if it turned out he was at home - and it was making me nervous as fuck.
I looked at Rob and I knew what he was feeling,
"It all began here for us, being friends, the band, the music, the
love,
" he said, still leaning close enough to speak into my ear.
I nodded, all that was true for both of us but there was more to it for me; one of these houses had been my hell, one had been my haven. I thought about the lyrics Rob had written all those years ago in
"A Rush Of Blood To The Head"
about buying this place and watching it burn. I looked at my childhood hell and imagined it in flames, obliterated, turned to a pile of ash but it wouldn't work - the memories were mine for life whether the bricks and mortar still existed or not.
"I'm here," Rob murmured, placing his hand on my cheek and I leaned into it.
I nodded again, took a deep breath and threw open my door, the music dying as I pressed the stop button to switch off the engine.
"Thank fuck for that!"
I thought I'd heard Rob mutter something like,
"Won't make any difference," but we'd both been getting out of the car so I couldn't be sure.
Then I was certain.
I could see what Rob had done,
"You have got to be," I yelled, unable to fully express my stunned surprise, lifting my arms out to my sides then letting them fall in exasperation.
On the roof of the car he'd placed two slim poles each about two feet tall, they were attached with suckers one at the front the other at the rear, between them was strung a Pride-rainbow striped banner with the words, "The Dream Team" emblazoned on it along with the band's logo.
"If he's here, he'll sure as hell know we are too!" Rob said smugly.
I shook my head, any hope I'd had to arrive and leave without being noticed had been blown well and truly out of the water.
Rob waited until I'd walked round the car to the pavement before moving away from it, he held his hand out to me which part of me wanted to pretend I hadn't noticed just in case anyone, specifically my mother, saw us, but another, the larger part, knew how that would hurt both of us so I smiled and linked my fingers with his.
Jane had arrived before us and had the door open, she was smiling as Rob and I walked up the short flight of concrete steps and pulled Rob into one of her loving, motherly, hugs as soon as he was through the door, then she did the same with me.
