Thursday Afternoon
"A walkabout is a life-altering experience," Ezekiel said.
He stood at the head of the parlor, addressing the men. They were all tired and sunburnt, but otherwise no worse for wear.
Jacob and Alex sat on opposite sides of the room, both listening intently.
"It forces a man to look death in the face, to reach deep down within himself to discover whether or not he has what it takes. The fact that each of you is standing in front of me today proves that you're serious about your recovery. A weak man could not have survived the night the way that you gentleman did. And for that, I commend you."
Jacob nodded along, but inside he could feel a pit in his stomach. An hour ago he would have felt nothing but guilt for defeating the entire purpose of the assignment by actively betraying it in the tent that night with Alex.
Now, however, he felt nothing but rage at Ezekiel. He forced himself to stay expressionless.
"No man is an island. We can't walk this path alone, and Jesus doesn't ask us to. We're not meant to eschew our bonds with other men, of course not! But the friendships, the real bond that you have with another man, that's not about sex. It's about brotherhood."
Jacob looked around at the rest of the men as Ezekiel prosthelytized to them. They were all nodding along, eating up everything Ezekiel was saying without a shred of doubt.
It killed Jacob to think that he had been just like them. He didn't know how Alex had managed to keep his true feelings hidden for so many days. Jacob didn't know how he would last another five minutes.
"You are now bonded to your fellow brother for the rest of your life. When you feel the urge to engage in sin, remember your brother. Lean on him, reach out to him, take his hand and let him pull you up out of temptation and into the light."
At those words, Jacob couldn't help but steal a glance over at Alex. Alex was smiling neutrally, listening as though he didn't have a care in the world. He looked so cute in his little clear glasses, scratching his black mustache as it tickled his nose.
Jacob still had no idea where they stood. He had barely had time to tell Alex what he'd seen before they were called into the parlor for their morning activity. They'd agreed to find a time to talk later, but not to say anything in the meantime.
The waiting was absolute torture for Jacob. He was pissed at Ezekiel, that was for sure. But he wasn't ready to deal with the feelings that had been unleashed by his night in the tent. Ezekiel's lies didn't take away the part of Jacob that couldn't reconcile his faith and his homosexuality. He wasn't sure that anything could.
The rest of the afternoon was like a haze. Jacob barely paid any attention at all as Ezekiel led them through a retelling of Jack and the Beanstalk, focusing on the coming-of-age tale of man's virility and the female desire to stifle it.
He ate his lunch alone, unable to bear talking to Chris or Wesley now that he knew they were both privy to this deception. He wished he could talk to Alex out in the open, but he knew they had to be smart.
Finally during a free period after lunch, he and Alex snuck away to their room. They sat and talked on Alex's bed as Jacob brought them both hot chocolate from the kitchen.
"My editor says I need more than just Brad," Alex said as Jacob handed him the hot cocoa. "He says I need something on Ezekiel as well. We need to cut the head off the snake."
"Well, Ezekiel's just as bad," Jacob said, sipping his drink. "I can vouch for that after what I saw this morning."
Alex shook his head. "It's not enough. We need proof, like video evidence of the two of them fucking. I've got Brad and Chris, but I need something with Ezekiel."
"I'm sure they'll fuck again. We just need to keep a close eye on them."
"We only have 2 more days here before we leave Saturday morning," Alex said. "If we miss our chance, I might not get another one until next year's retreat."
"We'll get it. We'll bring them down, I promise," said Jacob. He grabbed Alex's hand and squeezed it. He quickly caught himself and pulled his hand away awkwardly.
"You're right," said Alex. He smiled at him.
Jacob set his hot chocolate down on the table and laid back on the bed, rubbing his face with his hands.
"How could they do that?" he asked. "How could they lie to people like that? Pretend that they could show them how to change when really they were just fucking in secret this whole time?"
"I don't know," said Alex. He laid down on his side on the bed next to Jacob. "Self-deception is a crazy thing. I mean, look at you."
Jacob raised his eyebrows.
"I don't mean that in a negative way, I promise. I just mean that you got married to a woman because you thought it was your only option. You didn't know that you could have a different life."
Jacob sat up, folding his arms. "I'm still not sure I believe that," he said. "I agree with you that Brad and Ezekiel are liars. They've never successfully changed anyone. But I don't see how the whole thing could be pointless. Why would God make us suffer this way if there was nothing we could do about it?"
"Maybe it's not God who's making you suffer. Maybe He just wants you to be happy," said Alex.
Jacob furrowed his brow. "Can I ask you something?" he said.
Alex sat up. "Sure," he said.
"What's your life like? You know, your real life. Not the stuff you said about being sober."
"That wasn't a lie," said Alex. "I am sober. I just made up the part about that being my reason for coming here."
"Oh," said Jacob. "So, the drinking... is that because you're gay?"
"No, I don't think it had anything to do with that," said Alex. "I mean, it didn't really help, having to grow up with my dad and all. But I would have looked for any excuse at all to drink."
Alex laughed. "It's funny," he continued. "But for me, getting sober was a lot like coming out. Until I was able to accept that I was an alcoholic, I wasn't able to really see myself for who I was. Before then I was always rejecting the label, because I was afraid of what it meant."
Jacob looked up at Alex nervously.
"What's it like just... being gay? I just... I know that's a stupid question, I just mean... is it hard?"
Alex pondered for a moment.
"It's a mixed bag," he said. "I mean, I live in West Hollywood, so it's not like it would be being gay in Kansas or something. But it's not perfect. I get lonely sometimes."
Jacob looked at the ground. "Me too," he said softly. "Sometimes I feel fine, and then all of a sudden it hits me. I'll be with my wife, and we'll just be sitting on the couch with the baby or something and I'll just remember how lonely I feel. And I know I should be happy, but I just... I feel like I'm the only person in the world."
He looked at Alex. "I wouldn't mind your life, I don't think."
Alex smiled. "I like my life. And I like who I am. It's taken me a while, but I wouldn't change anything about myself."
They sat in silence for a moment as they sipped their cocoa.
Finally Alex said, "Can I ask YOU something?"
Jacob nodded.
"How did you feel when we were together? I don't mean after, but during. When you were kissing me, when you were inside me... how did it make you feel?"
Jacob's face turned red. "I-"
"It's okay," said Alex. "It's just me. You can be honest. No judgement, no nothing."
"I don't know..." said Jacob. He took a deep breath. "It felt incredible. Like I was finally alive for the first time. Like my life had been some sad dress rehearsal up until that point. But when you touched me, it was like... anything was possible. I could be happy and I could be present and maybe God did love me."
"So why is that a sin?"
"Because, it... the Bible says-"
