Chapter 3
'Was it a dream?'
Thanael cupping my face, both of us gazing into each other's eyes...
'Was it a fucking dream?'
The past unravelling into the present... and the future tastes more uncertain this morning.
This is not just about having the possibility of living out of love or desiring for forgiveness from the man whose heart I tore up to pieces.
'This is about--'
I knew that Thanael forgave me, but it was my inability to forgive myself that kept eating away my hope for love. Instead, I fell into the dark path of maintaining an illusion.
I liked Jacob, but I knew that I did not love him nor he felt the same way.
Jacob was the "fear" and regret that I could not articulate with my lover, my former lover Thanael, who after 3 years, was so close to me again.
While he held my face, I know that in some way I would be able to accept Thanael's caution, hesitation and rejection. I would never blame him for doing so.
'Who am I kidding? I've been such a wreck since my mistake.'
After Thanael and I parted from the vet, I went straight home.
Sleeping in the couch was not comfortable, so I crawled into bed, the same bed that Thanael slept in. His smell, his musk, his warmth, the memories of the past: the way we stared into each other while we came and orgasmed. We made love practically every day during our first year of living together. We were saturated in each others energy.
The way we embraced each other during the winter months and the way we slept far enough from each other, but not too far so we would not fall out of bed because we had a fight. Even then, we could not stand being apart from each other. It me sick to be away from him.
The way he told me that he loved me.... and I ran away from all of it, from him.
'Self pity makes a good co-dependent companion in the dark space.'
Could not help myself while surrounded by my own guilt and shame, I took shelter under the covers. I took shelter from the cruelty of my own actions, from my own illusion and took shelter into the residue of Thanael's presence.
