Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! That was all that was running through my head at that moment. I stood frozen, looking at Taron's slumped body, supporting his weight against the wall. He too, was completely still except for the slight rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. Never had Taron looked so defeated, always holding his head high regardless of the situation. Seeing him, head thrown down in shame, I could feel the gravity of what I had just done coming to me.
Like a paper clip drawn to a magnet, my eyes continuously snapped to the various marks I had left on Taron's once flawless skin. Like a canvas, his tanned skin acted like a notebook, recording and reminding me what I had done to him.
Despite having just showered, I felt dirty. I had done something unthinkable, and quite frankly sickening. There was no excuse for my actions, no loophole that I could exploit. The fact of the matter was that I had committed a crime and gross indecency towards Taron. It didn't matter what he had said, what I had felt or what I felt he deserved, he didn't deserve being taken advantage of.
"Taron, I—"
He held up a hand, stopping my apology. Still, he remained silent, letting me suffer in my guilt. I guess I deserved it. What did I think apologizing was going to help with anyway? The damage had been done and he probably didn't want to even hear me say it. Shit.
Only one thought ran through my mind at that point. Run. I didn't want to listen to myself, knowing that it was exactly listening to myself that led me to do the unthinkable to Taron. I shouldn't run, that's what I kept repeating in my head. I wanted to, but I shouldn't. Couldn't. But despite what my brain said, my body had a mind of its own.
Despite my best efforts, I found my body turning away from the slumped form of the elite standing in front of me. I hurried out of the shower, running to my locker. Throwing the metal cabinet open, I grabbed my clothes, pulling them on like my life depended on it. I needed to get out of there. I couldn't look at Taron anymore, I wouldn't be able to stand the judgement in his eyes.
Pulling on my last shoe, I turned to look at the showers once again. From where I was, I couldn't see Taron, but he still had not exited. Now was my last chance to do as my conscious told me, to go back in there and make sure that Taron was okay.
I didn't take that chance.
I found myself fleeing the scene of the crime, moving as fast as my legs could carry me. My eyes sought the elevator, but my mind replayed the image of Taron, huddled against the wall. The image immediately sent a chill down my spine, making me feel sick. I swallowed hard, trying to keep the nausea down. The whole ride in the elevator, I fought the sensation of puking.
After what felt like forever, the elevator doors parted and I made a dash for the exit.
"See you Mr—" Kelly started, but I was out the door before she could finish her sentence.
I walked down the street, heading towards the tram station. The normally pedestrian devoid streets of the city centre were strangely crowded, with elites walking up and down the pavement. As I passed each one, they would cock their head in my direction, staring at me curiously. I felt like everyone was already judging me, seeing the guilt on my face, causing a new wave of nausea to hit me.
Too much to hold in any longer, I dashed into an alley, emptying the contents of my stomach on the sidewalk. The acid burned my throat, setting it on fire.
"Hey, are you okay?" came a concerned voice to my right. "Do you need me to call for an ambulance?"
I shook my head, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. "I'm okay," I said, walking away without a look at the concerned elite. I couldn't look at anyone in the eye in my current state. I felt like if I did, they would know what I have done. I continued my way to the station, noticing how everyone who walked by me shot their gazes in my direction. The only thing I could do was duck my head and walk faster.
Eventually, I arrived at the station and thankfully, there was already a tram waiting, about to depart. I was glad that most elites didn't take the tram, and since natals don't usually visit the city centre, the tram was almost empty. I made my way quietly to a secluded corner of the vehicle, taking a seat.
Soon the tram was on its way, heading down the tracks and for a moment I felt like I was leaving behind the stares and the accusations. The feeling was short lived though, my guilt returning the moment I looked at my hands. Tracing the outline of my fingers with my eyes, images of the marks my fingers left on Taron's wrists shot back into my mind. Unconsciously, I started rubbing my knuckles, as if I could rub off the filth of my actions.
It was a couple more stops before I got off the tram, once again back to the natal residential area that was where I lived. I walked toward my house, aware of everyone around me. Unlike the city centre however, natals walked by without a second glance at me. The lack of attention I was getting calmed my nerves a little.
I arrived at my house, opening the door with a wave of my BIC across the front door. The door slid aside and I entered, eyeing the stairs as I made a beeline for my room.
"Hi Kev, where's your brother?" my dad asked, sitting on the couch watching TV.
"He went out with Alena. I came back on my own," I replied, not looking at him. If I couldn't look at strangers in the eye, I knew I couldn't look at my parents either. What would they think of me if they knew what I'd done? I knew the answer to that question though. Disappointment.
"Oh so what about you? What have you been up to?"
I immediately tensed at his question. "Um...I'm sorry Dad, but I'm really tired."
"Oh...okay, go rest then," he said but I was already halfway up the stairs before he could finish his sentence. I entered my bedroom and immediately headed over to my bed, throwing myself face first onto the mattress. Grabbing a pillow, I brought it to my face, screaming into the cushion.
All I remember thinking about at that time was how I had majorly screwed up. This one thing had trumped all other of my life's mistakes combined. Not only was it a really fucked up thing for me to do, but also the fact that an innocent party was involved. I had forced myself onto Taron, and even worse, I had left him there.
I spun around, looking at my ceiling. I wondered how Taron was doing. I shouldn't have ran. I should have stayed and made sure that Taron was okay, but I was too much of a coward. Sure why not add that to the list. I was already stupid, why not be a coward too.
My mind started concocting mental images, playing out scene after scene of Taron after I had departed the showers. I imagined all the different ways that the scene could play out, going through the different emotions I expected Taron to be feeling.
I saw him angry, his fists shaking as he punched the wall, causing blood to stain its white ceramic tiles, shouting curses at me. I saw him confused, his brows furrowed as he wondered what he had done for me to degrade him in such a manner, pacing the shower as he thought. I saw him humiliated, rubbing at his skin trying to get rid of the filth I had placed upon his body, so much so that his skin was starting to chafe.
All these paled in comparison to one though. I saw him slumped against the wall, much like how he'd been when I ran. His body shook with sobs as his tears fell, running down his cheeks. He didn't move, didn't speak. He just cried. It's like he had given up, having something so important taken from him that he didn't want to continue anymore.
The image broke my heart, making my insides hurt. It was all my imagination but I knew, deep down that this was so easily true. I had hurt Taron, taken away something from him. His dignity, his virtue, and I knew that there was no way of fixing it. The wounds may heal, but then the scars would still be visible.
I felt a tear trickle down the side of my face and I immediately got angry with myself. I had no right to feel sadness. I had brought this upon myself and in my mind, only Taron had the right to feel anything. I, on the other hand, should only be allowed to feel guilt and remorse.
Pushing myself into a sitting position, I wiped the tears from my face, instead hugging my pillow. I don't know how long I actually stayed in that position, my mind only focused on one thing and that was what I had done. It was only when Ken burst through my door that my train of thought was broken.
There he stood, in my doorway, his face showing nothing but fury. "I can't believe you," he said, his glare never wavering. My eyes shot wide open. How did he find out? Shit, if he knew, that meant that Alena knew too.
"Listen Ken, I can ex—"
"You know, I know it's not your fault and all but really Kev?" he continued, cutting me off. How could he think that I wasn't at fault here?
"It is my fault though. It's all my fault,"
"Now you're just talking crazy? Okay so Alena couldn't stop talking and worrying about you during dinner, but in no way was that your fault," he said. My face probably showed something akin to confusion and he obviously picked up on it. "You're not talking about the same thing I am, are you?"
I turned paler than a ghost at that point. Ken didn't know, and I basically gave away that there was something else that was bothering me. "Fuck!" I cried, burrowing my head in my pillow.
"What happened?" he asked, sitting on the edge of my bed.
"Nothing," I lied.
"Seriously, not this bullshit again Kev. You really should just learn to tell me the truth once in a while. It's not like you're not gonna tell me eventually anyway," he said, rolling his eyes at me. I stayed quiet at his question, opting to simply stare at my feet on the bed. "C'mon man, you know I'll help you through whatever this is," he said, his tone softening to an almost calming level.
"I...you'll think less of me," I said, barely a whisper.
"That's impossible. I already expect the worst from you, nothing you do can make me think of you any less," he joked, patting me reassuringly on the leg. I couldn't help but let out a slight chuckle at him. "So, spill."
I looked into Ken's eyes, staring deep into his blue orbs, so much like my own and yet so different. I could see his strength and maturity, his compassion and wisdom. If anyone could understand me, it was Ken. It didn't matter what it was, he was always there for me.
"I...did something really bad Ken," I said, feeling the tears threaten to spill again.
"Oh c'mon, how bad could it be?"
"I raped Taron," I whispered, dropping eye contact with my twin the same moment the words left my mouth.
At first Ken let out a soft chuckle, assuming that I had been joking, but my solemn face told him otherwise, his smile dropping instantly. "You're serious," he stated, more to himself than to me.
"I didn't mean to. Fuck! I just...I got carried away," I cried, feeling the tears spill over my eyelids once again. "It was like I couldn't control myself and I'm feeling so sick at the thought about what I had done."
My tears had evolved into sobs, my breath catching in my throat as I tried to speak. Ken immediately moved closer and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me to him. I dropped my head onto his shoulder, letting the tears flow as I let go of my emotions. Ken didn't say anything as I cried, rubbing my back with his hands, coaxing me to let it all out.
"I hate myself Ken. I'm such a fuck up," I muttered into his shoulder. At this, Ken pushed me off him, grabbing me by the shoulders in a vice like grip.
His face was serious as he said, "Shut up. I don't want to hear you talk like that okay? We all make mistakes, and this is just one of those mistakes."
"A really big and horrible mistake Ken. There is no excuse for what I did."
"Listen Kev, I'm not gonna patronize you and say that it's no big deal, but will you listen to yourself? You sound absolutely suicidal right now."
"I feel suicidal."
