"Men are such jerks!" The sudden outburst from David's normally sedate and tranquil mother was quite out of character. His sister and he looked up from the breakfast table in surprise. "Oh sorry," she said, "I was miles away."
"Come on Mum, you can't just leave it at that," said my sister, Karen, "we all know they are," she continued looking at David pointedly, "but what has brought this on so suddenly?"
"It's not sudden," said their mother, Susan, "I've been coming round to that point of view for some time now. I just can't seem to find anyone who I'm even remotely interested in. The last one was a right creep, all he wanted to do was to make love in some very funny places. I'm pretty broadminded but he was going too far."
"A bit of spice is always good Mum," interjected David, Davy to the family, "and a romantic assignation making love out in the moonlight....."
"I'm not talking about those sort of places Davy, I'm talking about "up the bum!"". Candid conversations were not unusual in the family, their mother had brought them up to be open and free with their thoughts and feelings, but both siblings were a little shocked at their mother's candour. Susan had brought up the two children on her own since the untimely death of their father some ten years ago. Now that they were out of their teenage years, Davy being twenty-one and Karen twenty three, she had decided that she now had the time and energy to devote time to herself, specifically embarking on a new relationship.
Quite how she was going to find anyone she could imagine spending the rest of her life with proved troublesome at first, all her friends had got used to her as a single and never seemed to invite any single men to any gatherings. Then someone suggested an on-line dating agency. "Everyone does it these days, it's just like shopping on Amazon. You find something that looks OK, then you try it and if it doesn't fit you send it back and buy something else."
It seemed a bit like a cattle market to Susan, but the more she thought about it the more it seemed logical and sensible. There must after all, be lots of people like her out there and at least some of them ought to be genuine.
So she'd created an account and a profile and had embarked on a few dates. Davy and Karen knew about these, but they'd decided, without needing to speak to each other, to give their mother some space to find her feet in the dating scene.
This new revelation opened their eyes to the fact that it was not going too well. "Up the bum Mum?" mused Karen, "I didn't think you'd actually got as far as sleeping with any of your dates."
"I haven't, thank you very much young lady, my generation likes to take things a bit more sedately than yours," huffed Susan. "Anyway this was only our second date. When I told him, in no uncertain terms that I was not that sort of person, he said that all the other women he'd gone out with were perfectly OK with the idea. Needless to say that'll be the last time I'm seeing him."
Suddenly she stopped and tears came to her eyes, "I'm not that out of touch am I? I thought it would be gentle and romantic, but perhaps I'm just too old and set in my ways." Karen rushed round to her mother's side of the table and put her arm around her.
"No Mum, you're not any of those things, I would have reacted in exactly the same way as you did."
"So why can't I find the right sort of person then, why do I attract all the creeps?"
"Perhaps your profile is misleading?" suggested Davy helpfully, "Why don't Karen and I have a look at it and see if we can make some suggestions?" Davy was in his final year at college doing photography and Karen was finding her feet in a creative design company. "Between us we should be able to help."
Susan brightened and thanked them. She got her phone and opened up her profile. "Mum, where on earth did you get that photo?" burst out Davy.
"Oh, it's an old passport photo I had hanging around," said his mother.
Karen was poking around the rest of the pages, "We can definitely improve this Mum, make you look a lot more sophisticated to upscale your target market. There's a section where you can upload a photo gallery, we can get Davy to take some nice photos of you in evening gowns and suchlike, make it look as though you go out to a load of posh do's. We'll start now, Davy, get your camera. Where are we going to take the photos?"
Davy paused, "How about Mum's bedroom, the light is good in there and the furnishings are soft, we can make it look a bit intimate and the background colours are neutral."
"Sound like I've hired myself a good team," said Susan, "let's get started then. Perhaps you can help me with some make-up Karen while Davy gets his stuff together, and then we can pick out some of my posh frocks from the back of the wardrobe."
They trooped off upstairs and set to. Davy fetched his camera and went into his mother's bedroom where she was sitting at her dressing table, Karen fussing round her with various bits of make-up and brushes. Davy sat down to watch, fascinated by how long it took, but equally amazed at how his mother's face came to life. She really was very attractive, he mused, she must have been a real stunner in her day.
"Right, I think we'll start off with the portrait photo," said Davy. He put his camera on a tripod and sitting his mother down, he fiddled with the settings. "The good thing about digital cameras is that we can take loads of photos with different settings and pick the best ones later," he explained, "and I've got some editing software so we can even touch things up a bit."
He took ten or so pictures, examining each one on the screen, then said, "These'll do nicely, we can make all the fine adjustments on the computer later. Where are we going to do the gallery photos?" They picked out a spot near the full length curtains and took some sample shots of her dressed in her normal everyday clothes. Satisfied with the setup he said, "Right Mum, posh frock time. Do you want me to leave while you get changed?"
"No Davy, don't bother, you've seen your old mum in bra and knickers often enough." With that she unbuttoned her blouse and took it off, revealing herself in a plain white bra. For the first time Davy looked at his mother's breasts with a professional eye, they were medium sized, and her bra gave her a small cleavage. She hadn't been in the sun recently so the colour was uniform, no tan lines and altogether he thought they looked pretty good.
Karen had gathered some dresses and laid them on the bed. "We'll just have some smart but ordinary ones first Mum. Try this one." This was a mid-calf frock, not evening wear but what would be termed smart casual. Susan unzipped her jeans and wriggled them off. Her knickers could best be described as comfortable, granny pants, high waisted and pretty shapeless. "Mum, you don't still wear those do you, you ought to get yourself something sexier."
