Freya was sat cross legged on her bed when I finally turned the brass door knob and stepped gingerly inside her room. She looked beautiful, with her blonde locks falling across her face as she read from one of her obscure novels in nothing but a pair of fluffy socks and the patchwork hippy jumper I'd bought her at Fleeburg market.
I'd hoped it was a hint at dΓ©tente, but Freya shrugged and feigned not having realised what she'd pulled on. She didn't even look up - so I languished in the doorway, desperately trying to match her indifferent disgust with my own sombre reticence.
It was genuine - I was still shaking from when I'd timidly rapped my fist across her bedroom door. I'd figured that making me knock four times was all part of the penance and the suffering.
'It isn't so much that you fucked my dad.' Freya suddenly offered from beneath the waterfall of cascading golden hair hiding her face, 'It's that you did it so duplicitously. I thought we shared everything.'
Four days earlier.
Mr Cartwright's letter hit the doormat on an otherwise inconsequential Saturday morning. I'd have snuck down and snaffled it had I known it was coming. Alas, my dad always rose early and the illicit piece of correspondence was propped up against a box of Coco-Pops by the time I'd dragged my ass out of bed.
'Who's this from then?' He queried, gesticulating to the envelope with his cereal spoon.
'Who's what from? I mumbled irritably, resentfully turning my attention away from the cafetière.
I blushed when I saw it, and as if in acknowledgement the envelope seemed to sparkle with eccentric delight from atop the kitchen table.
This was no ordinary letter.
The address had been scribed with lavish, poetic swirls of a fountain pen. Each word had been crafted with the elegance of an artisan whose love affair was with the quill so majestically put to work in his hand. Even my name had been afforded a sophisticated flourish;
...F.A.O Miss Molly Graverson, esquiress...
Eighteen year old sixth form students from northern council estates didn't tend to receive such correspondence, which made my dad's apparent curiosity somewhat understandable. Moreover, this was the mid-nineties, a time before texting or email. In many ways it was an era when receiving correspondence from a would-be lover could be greatly more rousing, and precarious.
'It's probably just bumph from one of the universities I've applied to.' I offered, hoping to appear utterly indifferent despite the butterflies performing loops, rolls and spins in my tummy.
My dad nodded, apparently assuaged, and plunged his spoon into the milky mass of coco-pops.
'I'm reet proud of yee' He somehow elucidated despite the shovel full of churning breakfast cereal suddenly filling his open cakehole, 'Youse'll be the first Graverson ever to gairn to University.'
I waved his compliments away with a vague swish of my hand. More importantly the diversionary tactic had worked. My dad found higher education exceedingly daunting, and had something of an insecurity complex relating to anyone involved within it.
'You have your own talents dad, those people are no better than you. Never forget that.' I reminded him as I eased the letter off the table, 'Just because someone can recite Ovid or Plato, it doesn't mean they know how to build a wall or fix a broken faucet.'
I headed upstairs with my coffee in hand. I was so giddy with excitement I nearly tripped over my own feet when I reached the top of the stairs. Closing my bedroom door felt like a blessed relief.
My hands were shaking when I eased the letter from the envelope. It was neatly folded in two and felt luxurious to the touch - with each written word dancing off the cream paper in an ebullient flourish of black ink.
...My dearest Molly,
I write following the events of last weekend.
It seems selfish of me to begin by admitting that I think constantly of our inaugural night together. It was such joy to have you submit to me as you did.
Equally it's with a coalescence of pride, fascination and arousal that I continue to peruse your marvellous compendium. You not only displayed considerable bravura in placing the work under my mattress, but a compelling creativity in compiling such a visceral expression of your burgeoning sexuality.
I am in no doubt that you have the mind of a precociously sexual young woman. I believe in the right hands such predilections can be moulded and nurtured, and in the wrong one's just as swiftly damaged and reduced to nought. Please take this assurance that your trust is in good hands.
I crave you, dearest Molly, and mine is the covetous desire of a Dominant for his submissive. There is a connection between us, one that I feel we must explore further.
Which brings me to the issue of Freya, who is understandably disappointed and confused. I feared the worst when she stumbled in on us, though as the days have passed I have noted something of a thawing in her, and I believe she is ready to forgive us both.
Indeed, I am now quite sure that she sees, once again, the immense value of your friendship. Moreover I have implored her to recognise that such a special bond ought to weather what is more of a rainy day than a storm. I believe if you were to come to the house she would reconcile, and I urge you to do so, shall we say Saturday, midday?
Yours expectantly,
Julian Cartwright.
I fell back onto my bed with a mixture of relief and giddy excitement, intermittently sniffing the letter as if it might bring me closer to the man who'd fucked me so violently, but a week previous. I poured over his words, scrutinising everything he'd written, delighting in his wonderful declaration of there being a 'connection' between us.
His reference to me being a 'precociously sexual young woman' sounded wonderfully sophisticated, and I briefly countenanced a tattoo, in Sanskrit or latin, probably up my inner forearm.
...Praecoquem sexualem...
Perhaps the best news was Mr Cartwright's inference that Freya was of a forgiving mood. What relief! I hadn't seen or heard from her since she'd discovered her father and I fucking. I knew I'd let her down, yet, no matter how many times I thought of what had happened, I felt certain that given the opportunity, I would do it again.
It was something to ponder whilst smoking a joint, and I somehow completely overlooked the day and time Mr Cartwright had suggested for my mediation with Freya.