"So what are you suggesting anyway?"
She hesitated and then replied to the person on the phone. "Oh, my, Arthur, you are a resourceful one, aren't you. Are you out of your mind!" she said. She had raised her voice but a bounce in it suggested not a trace of anger, just her normal playful banter with my Dad. I flopped down on the family room sofa and picked up a novel I had been reading. I didn't see the need to interrupt her phone call just to let her know I was home.
She listened for several seconds then continued as if the person on the other end of the phone simply didn't hear her the first time.
"Arthur. Wait, Arthur. Listen to me. He is not going to go for this. I had a silly little record going and it will be broken. It's not like Guinness is interested for crying out loud!" She laughed hard for a few seconds.
"Yeah, right!!!" Again she laughed hard, almost hysterically as my Dad made some kind of joke. "Mmmm hmmm.. Yeah, I guess so. Sort of, but that isn't the point, Arthur. You are nuts. Oh, you are just nuts! This isn't going to go over. I'm not going to even ask him."
She listened again. She didn't notice that I had come home or was in the next room. I had not intentionally overheard what she said and wasn't paying particular attention until the next few words.
"No, it was silly and Keech isn't going to do this. I'm surprised you would even bring this up."
"Mmm hmm. Yes, but believe me, I would have to be pretty tipped to bring it up anyway, with anyone, let alone him! Yes. Yes. OK, I love you, too, sweetie. OK, talk to you later."
Antoinette married my Dad when I was 20 and she was 42. In the next 4 years we developed a very good relationship. She was funny, and I liked her, but my Dad and Toni made a strange couple both in terms of looks and personality from the very beginning. My Dad was a successful attorney and did a great deal of pro bono work for charity. He was very good looking at 58 years old, and ran with the mover and shaker circuit for the most part. His idea of "informal dress" was a pair of Ralph Lauren khakis and a matching top without a tie.
My late mother, Madeline, had been the consummate hostess, graceful, beautiful, witty, and charming. On one of their excursions abroad to Africa, she contracted a virus which was unfortunately misdiagnosed for nearly 4 months. She passed away in my sophomore year of college and Dad was beside himself. They had had a wonderful, loving relationship and he was very lonely without her.
After 18 months or so, Dad had told how his friend Bill set him up with Toni on a blind date. Toni had worked for Bill for several years, so he felt it wasn't exactly as if she was a complete stranger. When they first met, she was probably about 140 pounds and even today she's at best 10 pounds less. On a 5 foot 6 inch frame she was a bit on the chunky side, nearly flat chested, and a little rough around the edges. She had dark brown hair and greenish grey eyes. Her most prominent feature on her face was her full lips which were really beautiful, but otherwise one of those faces that lacked distinction. I guess most people would say she is somewhat attractive, but certainly by no stretch was she a beauty.
I remember not long after they met and started dating that Toni would tell dirty jokes, make suggestive comments and just be "rough trade". The contrast to Madeline was striking, surprising, and almost alarming. Some of his friends and I wondered secretly if she had found him as a mark, marrying him to divorce him and take his money, that sort of paranoia.
We couldn't have been more wrong. Toni may well have been from the other side of the tracks but her loyalty and love for my Dad had been proven well beyond anyone's doubts. She simply adored him. The two of them were obviously very happy together and had what appeared to be a very good relationship.
To be certain she scrubbed up her dinnertime manners considerably over the past few years, mainly because Dad spent a great deal of time and money entertaining guests at our home. She embraced formal dining, entertaining etiquette, and other trappings of success with dignity and alacrity. She had transformed from what was most likely a barfly into a budding social butterfly.
Toni had developed excellent taste in furniture and decorating and had really done some amazing things to our house over time. She knew that Dad and I needed time to grieve the loss of Madeline and that changing certain things in the house would probably never happen. Dad and Madeline had been married for over 20 years, so she chose household updates with sensitivity and style.
In a supremely classy move, in fact, she had had a small portrait of my mother painted and framed by a well known artist and had hung it in my father's den on the wall as a Christmas present. I saw my Dad cry twice in my life; once when Madeline died and the day she opened the door for him to see that picture hanging on the wall. It was quite simply a beautiful thing for her to do.
Toni hung up the phone and came into the living room a few minutes later. When she saw me she flushed and said "How long have you been home?"
"Oh, I don't know. About 5 minutes or so. Hi Toni, how are you?" I teased.
"Hi honey. I'm sorry; I just am a little, uh, surprised to see you home so early and I didn't hear you come in."
"How's Dad?"
Her face turned almost beet red. "He's fine. Why?"
"Well, I thought I heard you on the phone, that's all. I thought I heard you say Arthur. Was that 'our' Arthur?"
"Yes! Yes, of course it was. He's fine. Oh, yes, he's just fine." Her red color deepened then began to slowly receded. I was wondering what the hell was wrong with her.
"Toni, are you OK?"
"Oh, yes, I'm fine, Keech." Keech had been my nickname for the past 10 years. I picked it up in middle school when a substitute teacher from India couldn't pronounce my name, Keith. Our English teacher was out for maternity leave and by the time she got back the entire football team, of which I was unfortunately a member, refused to call me anything other than Keech. True story, but I digress.
"OK, you just look a little flustered, that's all. I wasn't eavesdropping on your call, Toni, so if you guys are cooking up some surprise your secret is safe." Dad and Toni had developed a knack for "capers" as they called them. They'd do the goofiest things to each other and sometimes to me. One time they filled my entire car with ping pong balls just to fuck with me. Another time Dad took all of Toni's favorite shoes and replaced them with ones 2 sizes bigger. This went on constantly and they were good at it but if I could catch them discussing their plan sometimes I could prepare.
"You guys trying to pull a new caper on me? I guess you're about due for one. Or is it my turn?"
She laughed out loud a forced, fake laugh. "Oh, no. No caper planning in the works today, but watch yourself!", she yelled as she poked me in the ribs. "You never know!"
"You and Dad are worse than two teenagers." That was very true. They read an article, most likely an urban legend, about the college kids that sole a yard gnome and ran it around the country and brought it back with a photo album around its neck. The were so captivated by this dumb prank that they took our neighbor's lawn jockey and did the same thing, only the destination was Australia or Fiji or something. I didn't go on that trip but I suspect Toni engineered that one.
I relaxed on the sofa reading my book while Toni fixed herself a drink. It was about 4:00 PM and I asked her what was for dinner. She said that she didn't feel like cooking with Dad out of town.
