I've had this fantasy ever since I called it quits with Kathy. I thought it would always stay a fantasy, but it recently became real life. Before I tell you what it was, I have to tell you an important something that I only alluded to before. I have two sons from my first marriage, Bill and Steve. Remember, I said that Kathy accused me of wanting her for, among other things, my babysitter? Some of you might have caught on to it. It really wouldn't make much sense to be mad about that one if she were referring to Katie, her own daughter. No, she meant that in reference to Bill and Steve. They're grown now, but when I met Kathy they were just kids. They don't come around much these days. I understand, really I do. They're both busy making their own ways in the world and trying to take care of their own wives and children. They do come by now and then though, and it just so happened that they were both on hand when my fantasy came true.
My fantasy is the same one that many ex-husbands and ex-wives have, particularly if they are the injured parties. Ever since she left I had hoped that life would not be so good for Kathy. In fact, I had hoped that it would be so bad that she would begin to miss the life she threw away. I wanted her to come knocking on my door one day and say, "Bob, I've been thinking about the way I treated you all that time. I was a fool and I was wrong. I had a good husband and I didn't treat him the way he deserved to be treated. Please forgive me and let me come home again." I wanted her to stand in front of me, with real tears running down her face while she said those words, or something very like them. Then I could laugh in her face, and tell her to get the Hell out of my house, because she had her chance and she blew it. That's all I wanted.
I got better than that. Bill and Steve were here when it happened. We were having a drink together one Saturday evening, not long ago, when I heard a knock at the door. I went to the door, not knowing who it could be; after all, if it had been Katie she would have just come on in, but there stood Kathy. She was all dolled up, as if she was just stopping by on the way out to meet a date. Every hair was in place, her makeup was obviously fresh and she had a scent about her that I recognized as one of my favorites. Her dress was a brilliant blue and had a hemline that came to mid-thigh. The very low cut neckline proved that she wasn't wearing a bra. I had to give her credit; she was still a real knock-out, even if I did hate her to the core.
For a minute I just looked at her, and then I said, a little harshly, "What do you want?"
She said, "I'd like to talk to you, if it's okay. There are some things I need to say to you."
I almost turned her away, but there was something in her eyes that made me reconsider. I could afford to be generous at this point. I was, after all, fucking the hell out of her daughter pretty regularly now. I said, "Come on in. I'll give you a few minutes." I led her back to the family room. It's strange to still call it that, when the family has all grown up and I live here alone now. It's a big room at one end of the house that I almost turned into a garage once. It has two big couches and three heavily padded chairs. The big TV and the stereo equipment is back there along with a pool table and a wet bar in one corner.
When she entered the room and saw Bill and Steve standing there she stopped walking and started making excuses. "I can come back some other time; I didn't know anyone was here, or I wouldn't have bothered you," she said. Bill and Steve each had a cold stare for her when they saw her come in. I think it intimidated her more than just a little. For one thing, they had both reverted back to the family mold. I'm the runt in my family, at about five-feet nine. All of my brothers, four of them, and my dad are over six feet tall. Bill is six-feet two and Steve is just under that.
I said, "Suit yourself, but I may not be as open the next time you show up here."
That seemed to rattle her some and she stood where she was; half turned to go, but not going. Then she turned back to face me and said, "Alright, but I really wanted to talk privately with you. Can we go into the living room, or the kitchen?"
"No," I replied, "we all know each other here. Anything you've got to say can be said in front of Bill and Steve, or else it's not worth my time."
"Okay," she said, "can I at least have a drink?" She sat down on the couch that directly faced the TV. I had a pitcher of Margarita's made up, so I poured one for her, and sat in a chair that didn't quite face her after handing her the drink. I knew it wasn't her favorite, but she'd just have to make do. Bill and Steve looked away from us. I could tell that they didn't like this one bit. She took a couple of sips from her glass, and then she started.
"I've been thinking about us a lot lately," she said.
"There is no 'us' to think about," I interjected.
"I know; and that's what I've been thinking about. I look at my life now and I can see that it's no good. I'm not happy. I can't sleep. I keep seeing you in my dreams and it hurts me to think how badly I treated you. Life must have been Hell for you back then." By the time she got this out I knew. I was ecstatic, and having a hard time trying to hide it. My fantasy was unfolding right before my eyes and I was finding it difficult not to laugh out loud and cut it short. "You were always good to me and you were good to Katie. I don't know why I couldn't see it while I was here, but I see it now," she said.
"Well, that's in the past," I said. "What's done is done, and we try to move on. If you're trying to apologize, okay, you've done it. I'm sure there's someone waiting for you, so maybe you'd better just go."
Kathy said, "That's only part of it. I am trying to apologize, but I'm also asking you to forgive me."
Now it was coming, she just needed a little push. Let her think that her time is running out so she'll move on. I could hear my boys grumbling over at the bar. "I'm not sure I want to forgive you. Right now, I've got other things to do. Besides, Joe or Jim, or whoever you're fucking now is probably getting a little anxious, sitting out there in your car."
"His name is Larry, the guy I've been staying with, and he doesn't know I'm here," she said. "If he did he would be really mad. He thinks I'm home, sick. His sister is getting married tonight, so he won't be home till late. I've been thinking about this for weeks now and I pretended to be sick all day yesterday, just so he wouldn't think it odd when I didn't go with him tonight. He couldn't very well stay home with me either; it's his sister. No, there's no one waiting for me, at least not yet."
I said, "So, what do want from me? Forgiveness isn't something I'm prepared to offer you yet. You got plenty in the property settlement, more than you deserved. I didn't even try to drag you through the mud. I just wanted out. "
"I know, but I want back in," she said. "I know I made a mistake and I'm sorry. I really loved you; I just went a little crazy. I can be good to you; you know I can."
"No. I don't trust you and I don't think I ever will."
"Please think about it," she said, and I saw her eyes misting up.
"No."