The Three Body Problem

This is the second of two parts.

Josie and I reconnected surprisingly quickly but the incident with Grace stayed with us. Josie gave me credit for trying to be helpful 'before' and trying to be honest 'after.' I was grateful to her for not dumping me on account of my indiscretion with Grace. She and Grace also talked a lot and I think they agreed that although there were some boundary violations and maybe even some stupidity, there had been no malice. Apparently neither held a significant grudge toward me, which was a relief. But even though Grace continued to talk to Josie, she wouldn't talk to me, which Josie found unreasonable. It rankled her.

She would say pointed things like, "Mom, don't you want to know how Jens is?"

And Grace would respond politely, "How is Joe?"

"He's fine. Thanks for asking. Are you never going to talk to him? He's going to be in Cleveland next week. Don't you want to see him?"

"I don't think that would be a good idea."

"You were in love with him, Mom. You admitted it. That's nobody's fault."

"Josie, I'm not going to go out with your boyfriend!"

Josie indulged her own combativeness and tweaked her mother, "Well guess what, you already did! And yes, he's my boyfriend, but he's yours, too! You're still in love with him; you just won't admit it."

They had this argument several times (Josie generally vented to me about it) and eventually Josie added, "And by the way, he's in love with you and he won't admit it either. You're both so afraid I'm jealous. Jesus. Why aren't

you

jealous that I'm sleeping with your boyfriend?! Huh? That you could have him in Cleveland, but you don't!"

I was shocked by the bit about me being in love with Grace. It was true, but I never said it in so many words to Josie. And I was a little miffed that Josie said Grace could 'have' me in Cleveland -- don't I get a say in that? I didn't say anything because it didn't matter because it was all hypothetical.

During two rotations through Cleveland that summer I did not see or speak to Grace, but I thought about her a lot. I was tempted to drive by her house just to look at it, but I conquered the temptation. At the beginning of my second Cleveland stint, I sent her a card (with Josie's blessing):

Dear Grace,

Forgive me if this note is unwelcome. I just want to say that I still come to Cleveland regularly and it would be nice if we weren't afraid of running into one another. Let me know if you'd like to talk sometime. I promise not to be inappropriate.

Sincerely, Jens

Josie predicted I wouldn't get a response and she was right. By the end of the summer, Josie and I were tight and still tickled each other with geeky dates; still oraled each other expertly. She talked to Grace regularly, but needled her less. However, with holidays on the horizon that changed; Josie started in on Grace again: "Mom, when are you going to invite me and Joe for a visit? Don't I get to bring my boyfriend home for holidays?"

Grace called her bluff. "Why, yes, Josie. Why don't you two come for Thanksgiving?"

Josie recovered from her surprise to say, "Deal!" even though she hadn't checked with me. Unfortunately, I had already promised to visit my parents at Thanksgiving. My folks had retired and left Minnesota for Arizona, and my sister Alice and I had agreed that we'd both go out for Thanksgiving. I hadn't invited Josie yet, nor checked with my parents, but I had been hoping she would come, too. So Thanksgiving was out.

Josie's impulsive workaround was 'Thanksgiving in October.' She called Grace back and told her, "We'll come for a long weekend in October and pretend it's Thanksgiving." Before either could change her mind, they agreed on a weekend. Josie and I would drive together from Chicago. Afterward, she would fly back while I stayed in Cleveland on my usual work rotation.

Soon we were packing my car for what we had begun calling The Trip. The air in mid-October was crisp and in a weird way it really did feel like Thanksgiving, not like my usual commute to Cleveland. I didn't have to pack much, but I brought some clothes that were for neither work nor workouts plus a couple of bottles of wine. Josie brought a small duffle and a batch of cranberry relish. Instead of driving at night, we left Friday before noon and told Grace we'd be there by supper time. She wouldn't need to cook or leave work early; we could do takeout on Friday, turkey on Saturday, leftovers on Sunday. In the interest of minimizing risk, my plan was for Josie and me to stay at my place and only show up at Grace's to help with cooking and for the dinners.

We listened to music most of the way. I would have tuned in baseball -- the playoffs were happening -- but Josie vetoed baseball. I think we both welcomed some distraction, something to take our minds off what lay ahead in Cleveland. About an hour away from Grace's house Josie switched off the music. She took a swig from her water bottle and said, "Unless you really don't want me to, I'm going to tell Mom she should be your Cleveland girlfriend and I'll be Chicago."

I gagged. "Whoa!! Hold it! Are you out of your mind? Josie, I thought we agreed to not make things worse! Grace hasn't spoken to me for weeks -- months -- she barely agreed to let us come. Why would you ever go there?"

Josie replied coolly, "For her. And for you. Besides, how can it make things worse if it doesn't happen? Which it almost certainly won't. Neither of you is going to do anything you don't want to do." I did not reply and we drove in silence until Josie said, "It's weird, okay? I'll give you that. I'm not into poly or anything. Like if you started seeing some other woman in Cleveland, I'd be livid -- I would freak. But if it's Mom?... Somehow that works; it actually feels like a relief. If you two are together when you're not with me... I don't know, it's like I worry less about both of you."

After that I did not say 'No, you may not do that,' but I did make my doubts clear. "Josie, I think it would be best to just have our little pretend Thanksgiving, keep everything simple, and cross our fingers that nothing bad happens."

"Chicken shit!" she smirked.

Ignoring the taunt I said, "Josie, the last time you had a harmless scheme for me and Grace, we all ended up embarrassed and apologizing."

She was unfazed. "Yeah, but since then I decided that was actually a good idea. Everyone's better off because of it. We learned something important."

"No shit! We learned -- we

should

have learned -- to never do it again!"

She just said mildly, "Yeah, well, we'll see. Trust me." Now I wasn't just apprehensive; I was concerned for Grace. I warned Josie: "Don't bully her, Jos."

We had told Grace she didn't have to cook or take the day off, but of course she did both. Her house was brilliantly tidy -- guest-ready. She greeted us in her apron and we both gave her a kiss, the kind you give your mother. Then Josie asked, "What do you need help with, Mom?" On her way to the kitchen Grace replied, "Not a thing. You two can freshen up."

I announced, "Maybe I'll go do that at my place. I need to open it up, turn on the water and heat, drop our stuff..."

Grace said "NO!" sharply enough to startle us. Josie and I looked at each other, then back at Grace. She was standing in the middle of the kitchen holding a spatula and trembling. "No one is leaving....We're all...we're all staying here." Her voice began to quaver. "And we are going to talk about this..." She spoke it like a vow. "We are

not

going to not talk about this..." She sounded like she was going to cry. Then she did, and hid her face. She looked very alone.

Josie and I both went to her. Josie gave her a hug said, "Hey, it's okay, Mom. We'll stay here. Right, Joe?" I nodded. "Sure. Of course."

Grace seemed embarrassed by her outburst, or maybe by her tears. She said no more but collected herself and went back to cooking. Josie looked for ways to help while I went to the car to bring things inside. Fetching the luggage affirmed we were staying at Grace's place, not mine.

Very little was said until supper. Grace had made a lasagna with salad, bread, and wine. She waited until we were all seated, then asked me to pour the wine. We all were uncomfortable. There was likely at least one other person besides me thinking The Trip might have been a bad idea. Josie, as usual, was the first to speak her mind. In the most reasonable tone she could summon she said, "Mom, I just don't see what's so awful about you and Jens spending time together when he's in Cleveland."

Grace countered, "Josie, this is an unhealthy obsession of yours."

"Well, you're the one who said we had to talk about it."

Grace's eyes narrowed. "Okay, let's talk about it. Jens and I did what we did. That doesn't mean we should keep doing it. You don't see anything wrong with it?

Really

?"

"No. Not if everyone is honest."

"He's. Your. Boyfriend," Grace explained forcefully. Then she began pointing at us as she spoke. "What if you get pregnant? What if you two get married? Do I want to have slept with my son-in-law? With my grandchild's father? What is wrong with you?!"

Josie scoffed and gave it right back to her. "So what? What if

you

get pregnant?! What if

you

get married? I will have been sleeping with my stepdad. With my half-brother-or-sister's father. So what? Those are just labels. We are people, not labels."

They glared at each other while I carefully said nothing. Then, as if they knew they had the same idea, they both turned to me and said in unison, "What if YOU get pregnant?!" They enjoyed their wit and it did break the tension, at least temporarily.

When the chuckling subsided I said, "Okay, I won't get pregnant, but it's not like I'm exempt here. It wouldn't be cool to be sleeping with my mother-in-law. Or my stepdaughter."

Josie smirked and repeated her taunt. "Chicken shit."

Grace felt obligated to say "Josie, be civil."

Josie rolled her eyes. "Look, nobody's going to pregnant. Nobody's going to get married. At least not for a while. Those things aren't part of this. They have practically nothing to do with the two of you spending time together in the short run. Stop whenever you want. How does that hurt me? I don't get that time with Joe regardless. You're both alone in Cleveland Ohio. Seriously, isn't that kind of sucky?"

"Maybe I'll meet someone..."

"You

did

meet someone! It only took ten years. And it would never have happened if I hadn't helped."

Grace touched her mouth with her napkin and said nothing.

Josie kept going. "You're willing to lose him?" She turned to me and said, "Joe, you should have heard her go on and on about Jens before she knew who you were. She was over the moon." Grace blushed but didn't interrupt. "Mom, you want to walk away from that? A nice guy, a good guy. How many Jenses do you think are walking around loose in Cleveland? You know what's going to happen? Some brilliant AI chick is going see he's single and grab him. Then we'll both lose him." By now I was blushing, too.

Grace and I glanced at one another before Grace replied sarcastically. "Oh, so now you're telling me this is all just some kind of insurance for you? You're going to hang on to Joe by keeping him off the seething Cleveland man market." Josie did not respond. Grace added, "Besides, he hasn't said he's even interested." [Uh-oh.]

Of course Josie instantly said, "Okay, let's ask him." She turned to me. "Joe, be honest. If you had my full unconditional approval, would you be interested in spending time with Grace when you're in Cleveland?"

Talk about a trap! I looked from one to the other cautiously. I knew the answer; the answer was yes, but saying it certainly did not feel safe. Before I attempted an answer Grace saved me. She said, "Wait, here's a different question: we're doing this now because you're spending Thanksgiving with your parents. Did they ask if you wanted to bring someone?" Grace figured it would be Josie, which would prove I regarded Josie, not Grace, as my girlfriend.

Josie understood this too, and objected. "Not a fair test! Thanksgiving only just came up. And meanwhile, he hasn't seen you all summer." She reformulated Grace's question. "Before things blew up, say back in May, did you mention either of us to your parents?"

"Yes, in fact. Both of you." It was true. My mother asks about girlfriends whenever she gets the chance. I tell her just enough to get her to move on. In this case I said I had been seeing someone named Josie in Chicago and had just met a nice woman, Grace, in Cleveland. [My mother took this as a disappointing lack of decisiveness on my part.]

Josie smiled with satisfaction. "See? Now back to my original question. Joe, if you had my permission, would you choose to date Grace when you're in Cleveland?"

I said it quietly: "Yes." But that one little word landed loudly. It meant this was no longer purely hypothetical. Again Josie said, "See?" but she didn't rub it in. Then we were silent.

That put the ball in Grace's court. Josie's harangue and my confession had established we were attracted to one another. Would Grace try to deny it? Change her position about seeing me? After a pause she pivoted and did neither. "This is all silly. It only comes up because Jens happens to live in two cities. It's a professional coincidence that could change any time. If he lived in one place, we wouldn't be talking about him having two girlfriends. He would have to choose. There's no reason for this to be any different. He should make a choice."

Josie wasn't having it. "Two things. Number one, that's what's called the sunk-cost fallacy. Yes, it started with a coincidence, but all that matters is the reality right now; it doesn't matter how it got here. Number two, why should

he

have to choose, or get to choose? I mean we all get to choose. If you don't want to see him, don't see him. Or if he doesn't want to, he won't. If I can't deal with it, I'll split. We all have choices, not just the man."

Well. There was no dessert; Grace had made a pie, but was saving it for the next night. Our conversation certainly did not settle anything -- no one assumed a decision had been made -- but neither did we find a lot more to say. Instead, each of us began trying to process what had just happened. Meanwhile we sought mindless chores: we cleared the table, did the dishes, wiped the counters, folded the tablecloth -- anything to occupy ourselves.

Eventually Josie asked, not without mischief, "So Mom, what are the sleeping arrangements?"

Grace was unruffled. "Nobody is sleeping with anybody. I'm in my room. Jens will be in the guest room, alone. You can have the pull-out couch."

"Hmph," Josie grumped. "I guess if I'd kept my mouth shut, I'd be sharing the guest room, huh?"

"Live and learn."

Sometime during the night, not too late, Josie crept into my room to give me a furtive blow job. She said very little, but whispered, "Nice job, Boyfriend," as she patted my thigh and went to work. Between sucks she added, "No edging tonight. No time. We're going straight for the nut." And sure enough, she brought me off fast. Afterward she wiped her mouth, grinned, and kissed me. "Some fun, huh?" And left. I fell asleep feeling oddly calm about the state of affairs. I told myself 'whatever happens, just stay honest.'

Later, near morning, Grace slipped into my room much as Josie had; indeed, she muttered, "I'd bet a hundred dollars Jose's already been here." When I didn't deny it she frowned. "Poor guy; you're not getting any sleep." Then she asked, "Can I have a minute?" and I nodded. "I need to say some things without Josie interrupting."

"Okay."

"First, thank you. You flatter me."

I deflected the compliment. "It's not flattery, Grace; it's the truth. Josie would call bullshit if I denied it."

"Don't I know it.... But second, I really want to be careful. I don't want to do something stupid just because Josie's pushing. I'd rather regret something we didn't do than something we did. You know what I mean? Does that make sense?"

I nodded. "You'd rather make a Type 2 error than Type 1."

Grace breezed past my jargon. "I'll take that as affirmation. Third, I want to insist on time, on taking our time...I mean, if we decide to try it, we can go slow, okay?"

"I agree."

She added shyly, "Because if nothing happens right away, it doesn't mean it won't ever. I just... need time." She lifted my hand and kissed it. "I'm sorry for snubbing you this summer. I missed you.... What a prize you are." Then she sighed. "Whether you're hers or mine, I feel lucky." She rose and left.

I didn't go back to sleep; I couldn't. Instead I thought about my remarkable women, Josie and Grace, and wondered if I could satisfy both. Not sexually but emotionally. And if I couldn't? That was what I worried about, that somehow I would let one or both of them down. That caused me to wonder what each of us wanted.

Josie. On the surface she was edgy, challenging, pushy. She talked as though her thing was to question labels and test boundaries, and it was, but part of that was for show. She did love me, but I suspected that deep down she was devoted to Grace and wanted most of all whatever was best for her.

Grace. She wanted companionship, mostly for herself, but also so Josie could stop worrying about her and live her own life. She had taken a risk pursuing a younger man and wound up embarrassed but still smitten. She might or might not have made a mistake, but not the big one -- she had not misjudged me. Basically, I think she worried that Josie was right -- that it was either me or no one. Her ambivalence was about whether to hang on to me or push me to Josie.

Me. Christ, what did I want? Both of them, clearly, even as I understood that might be unwise or impossible. Still, it was what I wanted. Not one or the other; both. Was that merely unconventional, or actually dangerous? Much as I wanted both, I didn't want to hurt either.

The rest of our 'Thanksgiving' was tame compared to what had already happened. We hung out at Grace's and talked about the weather, our jobs, the news. We watched a couple of movies. We laughed and recalled favorite Thanksgivings from past years. The food was good. The only other awkward moment came late Sunday when Josie had to leave. I volunteered to drive her to the airport but Grace said no, she would do it; I should get to my place and get organized. We all left Grace's at the same time. I kissed both of them goodbye and headed to Kamm's Corner where I was suddenly alone. Going from two girlfriends to none felt strange.

Josie figured Grace and I would need a nudge, which she cheekily provided. Right away she bought and sent us tickets (QR codes) to Sorkin's

To Kill A Mockingbird

, which had just opened in Cleveland. Separately she urged me to take Grace out to a nice dinner beforehand, which I did happily. We enjoyed ourselves, sent selfies to Josie, and even toasted her at dinner. When we returned to Grace's house after the play, it seemed only natural for me to come in and just as natural for us to kiss. There was no urgency to have sex -- we both knew it was going to happen -- so we had a glass of wine, sat on the couch, and talked about the play. Soon enough we were in Grace's bed and cuddling like long-time lovers. Grace had none of Josie's passion for oral -- she just wanted me inside her. As far as I could tell, it didn't matter how it happened or what position we chose; she was just delighted to be having intercourse. After years of lonely celibacy she was getting laid again and loved it. She was perfectly content and a champion cuddler.

Afterward Grace remarked, "I really don't want this to become a competition, but I guess now I'll have to get you guys tickets to

Hamilton

or something in Chicago..." She didn't do that, but she did send Josie flowers. Josie acknowledged them enthusiastically and, when the time came, welcomed me back to Chicago with open arms (and, of course, legs). She reveled in the fruit of her efforts and couldn't resist bragging about her uncanny insight.