I was sitting in the waiting room of my therapist's office feeling extremely nervous and agitated. During our previous session I'd finally summoned up the courage to tell him about the sexual abuse I'd suffered as a child at the hands of someone I barely knew, as he'd been a friend of my uncle. I'd never told anyone about what had happened and I still wasn't sure why I'd decided to suddenly tell my therapist when that hadn't been why I'd started therapy in the first place.
The door to his office opened and I watched as a woman walked out with a tissue clutched in her hand and red eyes from the tears she must have cried. A few moments later my therapist, Will, was standing in the doorway and beckoning me into the office. I sat down on the couch and stared out the window while he took a moment to watch me.
"You aren't quite yourself today." He finally said. "Is it because of what we discussed last week?"
I continued to stare out the window but slowly nodded my head.
"I can understand that," he said softly, "but this is a safe place and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Remember what I told you last week? Nothing that happened when you were a child was your fault."
Again I simply nodded and for a few moments we sat together in silence.
"I think we may need to talk about it some more." He said.
I shifted my gaze to one of the plants in the room and said, "I had sex when I was 13. What's left to talk about?"
"THAT," he said, "was not sex. That was rape. There's a very big difference."
"OK."
A silence filled the room again.
"Have you ever had sex?" He asked. "REAL sex. Sex with someone you care about and who cares about you and who would never hurt you? Someone that you trust?"
I silently shook my head.
Wordlessly he stood and crossed the room before sitting near me on the couch. He gently reached out a hand to my chin and turned my head to look at him.
"I can help you." He said softly. "Do you trust me?"
I looked into his eyes for a moment and saw deep concern.
"I trust you." I said.
He smiled and moved closer to me. He moved his hand from my chin and rested it on one of my knees. That small movement and soft touch sent a shiver through my body.
"In order for you to get beyond your fear of being touched, you need to be touched by someone who knows what you've been through and who cares about you and who touches you because you want them to. If you want to stop, all you have to do is say so." He said. "Do you understand?"
I nodded and then quickly looked at the door.
"It's locked." He said as though reading my mind. "And you're the last patient today."
I felt his hand slowly begin to slide slightly up and under the leg of my shorts to softly rub my bare thigh.
"Is this OK?" He asked.
I nodded.
He continued to softly rub my thigh before removing his hand and telling me to move so that my back was against the arm of the couch and I was facing him. Wordlessly, I did what he asked and watched as he switched his position as well. He took one of my legs and moved it so that it was hanging off the couch before placing himself between my legs.
He leaned over me and looked into my eyes before his mouth softly touched mine. He softly kissed me until I began kissing him back. I felt his tongue touch my lips and opened my mouth to feel his tongue enter my mouth and touch my own.
One of his hands slowly came to rest on the outside of my shirt and gently squeezed my breast causing me to softly moan into his mouth. We kissed harder as he continued to caress my breast through my shirt. As we continued to kiss I felt his hand find the bottom of my shirt slowly sliding it up. His hand brushing my bare stomach caused me to moan a little more.
He pulled away from me for a moment and while looking into my eyes he told me to sit up slightly and lift my arms. I did what he asked and he deftly slid my shirt up the rest of the way and after pulling it loose from my arms he tossed it to the floor. His gaze moved from my eyes to my bra.
"Can this come off too?" He softly asked, once again looking into my eyes.
I reached around my back and undid the clasps and watched a hunger appear in his eyes.
He reached out and slowly slid my bra off tossing it aside with my shirt. As if by pure reflex, I immediately crossed my arms in front of me. He reached out and rubbed the length of one of my arms softly before slowly pulling both of my arms away revealing my bare breasts and heard him suck in a deep breath.
"My God!" He said softly. "They are perfect."
He looked into my eyes again as he slowly brought one hand up to one of my breasts. I moaned as he lightly flicked his thumb across my nipple causing it to harden. He told me to rest my back on the arm of the couch again and to close my eyes. I looked at him for a moment before doing what he asked and gasped when I felt his warm wet tongue on my nipple.
He flicked it a few times with his tongue before he began to suck on it taking y nipple and some of the flesh of my breast into his mouth. I felt myself arch my back wordlessly begging him to continue. As he sucked one breast his hand found the other and began rolling my nipple between his thumb and finger and my moans grew louder.
"Yes," he said, "moan for me. Moan as loud as you want."
When I felt his teeth softly bite my nipple I moaned louder than before and continued to arch my back. His mouth moved to my other breast where he began nibbling on my nipple and I felt his other hand begin to slide down my stomach and softly rubbed it dipping a fingertip into my belly button.
