Author's note: This is the transcript of an interview I did with an older (than me!), late-30s guy I met on the apps a while back. We went on a date and hooked up - he had the biggest penis I'd ever seen in real life. He's not a porn star, just an average, everyday guy with an insanely above-average penis. We didn't exactly hit it off, but I contacted him again a few weeks later since I was writing an article about gay men and penis size for my work as a freelance journalist. He agreed, on the condition that he could remain anonymous. I hope you enjoy.
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When did you first know you had a big dick?
[laughs] Well, believe it or not, it was at a church retreat.
Church? Please tell me this wasn't some sort of creepy priest or youth pastor situation.
No, no, nothing like that. We were doing a service project over the summer, building houses out in the boondocks of the state where I grew up, and we were staying at a local school. And there were, like, group showers in the gym. We were all filthy after working on the first day, and there were a bunch of guys showering in the gym. I'd never been naked around anyone before, so I was already really self conscious -
Did you know you were gay at this point?
No. Nascent gay, one hundred percent closeted, so being around a bunch of naked guys was like, [laughs] mental and hormonal overload. But I couldn't avoid it. We were all covered in dust and shit. And it's not like I could wear shorts in the shower, I didn't want to be
that
guy. And so I strip and start showering, not looking at anyone, and I start to hear the guys, like, laughing, and I look around and I was like, oh no. Because I realize they are all looking at me and I saw that all their penises are all, you know, like, normal-sized. And then I look down and there's mine like... whomp. [laughs] I bolted out of there as fast as I could. I think I was still covered in soap.
Did anyone say anything after that?
No. I mean, there were a couple of... I guess... people making offhand comments the rest of that trip, but it was... after all, I mean, it was a church thing. Everyone there was pretty buttoned up. And I made sure to shower after everyone else was done every day.
Hadn't you seen naked men before that? Porn or anything? Not that porn stars are a good reference for penis size.
To be honest, I really hadn't looked at porn. I was pretty tame as an adolescent, a good kid. I had a friend, this kid I knew in middle school, who had a bunch of playboy magazines and we would look at them sometimes when we went over to his house.
Didn't do it for you?
No. [laughs] Not a lot of naked men in Playboy. And in terms of guys, I hadn't even
really
put it together in my head yet that I was gay. My fantasy life up until that point mostly revolved around the X-men, to be honest [laughs]. Like, you wouldn't believe how much of a nerd I was. I remember having these abstract fantasies about the X-men, Jean Gray and Cyclops, like, making out. Gambit and Rogue. Seriously PG.
You didn't look at internet porn?
This was kinda before the internet, if you can imagine. I mean, we had AOL at home, but the computer was in our living room and everyone in my family used it. I remember a couple nights I tried to sneak down to look at porn, like, JPEGs of straight porn, since what did I know? But our connection was slow as shit. Pictures would seriously take minutes to load. [laughs] You're probably too young to remember dial-up internet. It wasn't really until college that I had regular access to the internet, at least in private.
So once you realized you were different, penis-wise, did that change things for you?
Well, like I said, I was a huge nerd and also a late bloomer. The dick realization came right around the same time I was figuring out I was gay. Or at least, admitting it to myself. I think I always knew, at some level, that I was attracted to guys and not girls. But this was rural [redacted], you know? Bible country. Being gay just wasn't a thing. Nobody talked about it. So it took me a long time to put it together. But once it, like, dawned on me that I was gay, the dick thing made me feel like even more of a freak. And hyper paranoid that I was going to betray my gayness by getting a boner around a guy or something.
Is it hard, pardon the pun, for you to hide it when you get an erection?
I mean... [laughs]. Um, [laughs]. Imagine, too, I was a lot skinnier back then.
A bean pole with a flag pole.
[laughs] Oh my god. You have no idea the anxiety I had. Well, maybe you do. I guess everyone has boner anxiety at some point, right? I mean, I could look at a guy's elbow and get aroused, you know. I wore a lot of really baggy pants.
Lucky for you it was the 90s.
[laughs] Exactly.
So you weren't out in high school?
Oh hell no. Deeply, deeply closeted. But it wasn't really an issue, at least in terms of my social life, or lack of a social life. Like I said, I was a nerd. I had other nerdy friends. All guys, but none of us was dating anybody, that's for sure. And there wasn't really any discussion about sex or sexuality. Mostly arguing about dungeons and dragons.
So when did you have your first sexual experience? And was it with a guy or a girl?
It was a guy. I've never been with a girl. I was eighteen and it was the summer after I graduated from high school. I was living at home and working at a local library. There was this older guy working there. At the time, I thought he was middle aged, [laughs] but in retrospect, he was probably in his early thirties. He looked kind of like Paul Rudd, circa Clueless.
So, smoking hot.
[laughs] Yeah, I mean, I was eighteen and a walking hormone. I might not be remembering him super accurately. I was obsessed with him, though, following him around like a puppy, and at the same time I was terrified he would find out I was gay. So one day, after the library had closed, I was peeing in the bathroom and he came in and started peeing next to me. Of course I instantly get an erection and he saw it and said something like, "holy shit, you got a monster there, kid." And I probably turned bright red, and I froze. He started rubbing himself and I was equal parts horny and terrified, and he asked if he could touch it.
Touch your dick?
Touch my dick, yeah. I couldn't talk and I remember, I just like, nodded my head and then stared at the wall while he started jerking me off. Then he got down on his knees and put my dick in his mouth. I just stood there like a dumb ass. I mean, I was so desperate for this to happen, and at the same time, in shock that it was actually happening. I probably lasted about twenty seconds before I came, in his mouth. I remember that I had to grab his head so that I wouldn't fall over. I remember that he swallowed my cum, and I was horrified and also incredibly turned on by that. And then he came, too. He was jerking himself off as he sucked me, and after I came, he shot a load onto the floor with my dick still in his mouth. [laughs] Blue tiles. I mean, I could probably draw that bathroom in photo-realistic detail, it is so etched into my memory.
What happened after that? Did you guys hook up again?
A couple times, yeah. I was so young, I mean, of course I fell for him, I thought we were boyfriends. [laughs] But he was only interested in my dick. [laughs] I should have learned my lesson then, but oh well. Mostly he sucked me off and once I sucked him off, too. He wanted me to fuck him but I was not ready for that. We mostly hooked up in that bathroom after work and one time I went to his apartment. That's where he wanted to fuck... wanted me to fuck him. It was the weekend, I told my parents I was working and I went to his apartment, and while he was sucking me off he rolled a condom onto my dick. We were both naked. He got down on all fours on his bedroom floor and he was like, "fuck me". I remember I stood there thinking, oh god, what do I do? I didn't know the first thing about fucking and honestly at that point in my gay development the idea of butts was kind of scary and off-putting.
So what did you do?
I don't really remember how I got out of there, but I think I just said, like, "sorry, I gotta go," and, like... oh my god. [laughs] I do remember that I somehow got dressed while still wearing the condom, and I was back home before I realized that it was still on.
What was it like with the library guy after that?
Well, we never hooked up again and he, like, pretty much stopped talking to me. It was high drama, as you can imagine. I definitely cried and wrote out song lyrics in letter that I gave to him on my last day.
Wow, very eighteen.
Yeah. [laughs] He followed me on social media a few years after that. And then he married a woman.
Sad. The one that got away.
