Josh's Journal

Thanks everyone for reading. It means so much to me that you enjoy what I write. I'm trying to update as often as possible, but I'm going to need a little understanding from all of you. Leaving me a comment demanding more frequent, longer chapters does nothing to reduce the amount of time that college and work takes up. So we're going to have to come to an agreement. I can do shorter, more frequent chapters. Or longer but less frequent ones. Let me know what you would like better.

Love&Rockets,

kitten2010

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I hated seeing Ayden at school today but being afraid to show him any affection. I got a lot of grief for even talking to him to make sure that he was feeling better. I wish he would get mad at me for it or something. I feel like a coward hiding it and that just makes me angry. I don't like carrying all this anger around, but what choice do I have? I wouldn't care if it were just me, but Ayden would surely get a lot of hell if we were open about our relationship.

It's not even that I'm afraid of my peers. Frankly, it would suck, but high school ends eventually. What really scares me is not knowing if my mom would still accept me. Would she still be able to look me in the eye if she knew?

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Ayden was sobbing when he called in the middle of the night. It was so bad that I couldn't understand him. I lied to my mom and said Kitty had hit a deer and needed my help, rushing out before my mom could question why Kitty hadn't called her father.

I found Ayden walking down his road, and slowed to a stop. He was still crying and I held on to him tightly. I could see flashing blue and red lights in the distance.

"What happened?" I asked.

He broke down, falling into my arms and eventually I managed to piece together a story. His father had been shot. His mother was implicated. The girls were being taken away by the state.

I didn't really know what to tell him. I can't imagine how he felt just then. I just let him cry on me and kept muttering stupid, generic phrases: "It's alright.", "I'm here now.", "Everything will be OK."

He started to say something, "I just don't..."

He started to cry more. I was panicking, full on. I had no idea how to help him. It made me feel crazy and I probably would have attacked anyone that tried to approach us at that point.

Finally, sanity returned to me, in a way. Kitty called and I answered right away, "Why does your mom think I killed Bambi?" she asked.

"Kitty...it's Ayden..."

"Where are you?"

"His road."

"I'll be there."

Kitty arrived with her mom and the two of them swooped down on him with a hand-knitted blanket. They offered him a place to stay on their couch while everything got sorted out.

I can't believe that this happened to him and I'm really afraid that I'm not the person he needs to help him. I don't know if I'm strong enough, but I do know that I'll do everything I can for him.

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I was exhausted at school and distracted as well. Everyone was talking about Ayden, still making fun of him. It disgusted me so much to the point that I did end up getting into a few heated arguments, one that escalated into a fist fight in the locker room, but I didn't get any grief for it from the school.

When my last class was over I sprinted out to my truck and was the first out of the parking lot. I made what should have been a fifteen minute drive in nine minutes and rushed inside Kitty's house to see if Ayden was doing alright.

He was sleeping on the couch, but he still looked so tired. I didn't mean to wake him up when I kissed his cheek, it just happened that way. He stared at me for a moment and then reached over and brushed his fingers over the shiner on my eye, "What happened?"

"Nothing, baby," I said. "Do you feel alright?"

He sighed. "I feel like it was just a dream or something. I got news about my sisters though. They're safe and that's what matters but I really miss them."

I hugged him, really hoping that that was enough. It seemed like it was. I started to feel like maybe I do have it in me after all to be the man he deserves. That made me feel brave and so I said, "I want you to stay with me," I said.

It wasn't really as brave as it sounded, considering my mom is on an overnight business trip, but I don't mean for just one night. I want him with me as long as possible. I don't care if we have to leave and get our own place somewhere. I could probably afford it for a little while anyway.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"I need to take care of you like a good boyfriend should."

"Boyfriend?"

"Yes, if you want." I'd pictured plenty ways to ask him out officially, but that hadn't really been one of them.

He was blushing and it was adorable. "I'd like that," he said.

I was so happy at that point I just picked him up and carried him out to my truck and brought him home with me.

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I attempted to cook for him and then ended up running to get a pizza. We ate and then ended up just laying in my bed. I was trying to hold back from getting sexual with Ayden. I figured it was the last thing he would want right now. He laid his head on my chest and I was rubbing his back.

It all started when his shirt just happened to scrunch up and suddenly I was rubbing bare skin. I could see the goosebumps and feel the heat coming off of him. He pulled away a little and said, "I feel so guilty."

I sat up and kissed the side of his head. "You have a right to do what makes you happy."

He ran his hand through his hair. "I shouldn't be happy...I should be..."

"What? What should you be?"

He sighed. "I don't know. I just feel wrong for laying here in bed with you and feeling so safe and cared for when I should be doing that for my sisters."

I wrapped my arms around him. I'm not sure where I found the words that came next, but it all spilled out. "I know that you've spent so long feeling responsible for them and I really admire that, baby. But right now they're with a family that's going to take good care of them and they have each other and the lessons you taught them. They're going to be just fine, I promise. They'll take care of each other. You need to worry about yourself. You deserve it and if you don't believe me then I'm going to try to prove it every day until you do. You're beautiful, Ayden. You deserve to have someone take care of you and that's what I intend to do because I know it's probably been a long time since you had that. Give me a chance to do as much for you as you've already done for me."

He studied me for a while and then smiled. "Josh, that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."

After that, we didn't talk much. I put my hand on his back, under his shirt. We were kissing and laid back down. It was getting dark outside, but it didn't matter. I still hadn't done any of my homework, but that didn't matter either. It was like it was just the two of us in the world. We'd take breaks from kissing and just lay there. I pulled off my shirt and then took his off, just to enjoy the skin on skin.

I've never experienced anything like that and I thought it was only something they put in girly romance novels to get better sales. But it was real. For some reason I thought of that song about swinging life away and I smiled because that's what we were doing, minus the swing of course. It all made sense though. This was the kind of contentment that I don't think I could ever get bored with.

I slid down a little bit and started to kiss his chest. For some reason I was fixated on his nipples and just kept licking them and giving them gentle bites. I could feel his body moving under my hand when I did that, how he enjoyed it. I moved down to his belly button and then back up to his neck. He was shaking a little now and I love that. Just thinking about that makes me feel amazing.

All I wanted to do was give him the pleasure I'd just said he deserved and that's what it was going to be about. I was determined of that. So when he went for my button and zipper I stopped him and started going down on him, running my tongue just above the waistband of those red and white checkered boxers of his. I tugged at his pants and the row of four buttons flew open for me.

I managed to get him out of those tight pants with a little work and then returned to kissing his stomach. Every time he made one of those little soft moaning sounds, I teased him even more, putting my hand over his erection and eventually pulling his boxers down and touching my tongue to the head of his cock as lightly as I could manage.

I was really enjoying just watching him get more and more turned on as I slowly ran my tongue up and down his thighs. I remembered reading about something called rimming. I didn't think then that I would be comfortable doing it, but I wanted to work my way up to it. From what I read, it seemed to be something both of us could enjoy, but that didn't matter. What mattered was that he would enjoy it.

I had to work my way up to that and instead focused on giving the best blow job I could. I licked all over his cock, getting it glistening with spit before I slid it all into my mouth. I fought down my gag reflex and took a peak up at Ayden.

He had an expression on his face that I wish I could have taken a picture of. Just the way his eyes were closed and his cheeks were pink and his mouth was open and how his lips formed my name when he whispered, "Josh."

I started working my way closer to rimming, letting his cock slip out of my mouth ran my tongue down to his ball sac. It was so smooth that I just licked there for a while and it was actually kind of awesome.

I worked up my courage and put a hand behind each of his knees, pushing his legs apart and his hips forward.

I never knew an ass hole could be cute, but his was. It was pink and it was actually kind of pretty in a way. I leaned forward and licked across the tight opening once.

His whole body jolted and he let out a little surprised squeak, but I kept him relatively still and licked him there again. I was actually enjoying the way that pretty pink hole would tighten and spasm when I licked it.

I really never expected to like doing that as much as I did, but I really did like it. I loved how much Ayden seemed to enjoy it. I continued licking quickly and then slowly, I pressed the tip of my tongue at the entrance of his hole just to see what would happen.

His hand tangled in my hair and was pulling it a little. I was still grinning though because I could tell that I was really doing an awesome thing there. I felt great being able to make him squirm and moan like that. Not only because it pretty much doubled the size of my ego, but because he really deserved to feel good and I was a part of it. But mostly, in the moment at least, I was just feeling good about being the stud that can make him moan and shake with just my tongue.

My tongue slipped inside of him. He was really tight and I had to sort of push to keep in there. He called out my name again, louder this time, "Josh!"

I pulled back a little and coated my middle finger with spit as I slowly started to work his cock with my other hand. I pressed my finger inside of him, feeling how tight he was around me. I was careful not to hurt him. I started moving my finger in and out faster once I felt like he was ready for that and I was jacking his cock faster too.

When I saw him cum, I felt like it couldn't be real. It was too amazing, too mind blowingly sexy to be real. His cum came out in long strings, one that shot out onto his chest and then a few onto his stomach, and then one on my hand. And the whole time, his asshole got tighter and tighter around my finger like he was drawing me in.

I was so turned on at that point that I just quickly whipped out my cock and jacked it furiously until my cum spilled out onto Ayden's stomach and mixed with his.

And then I was holding him again. His skin was sticky with our combined spunk, but I didn't care. It was amazing just to be that close to him.

I guess that's why I said, "I love you."

After I said it, my mind went crazy calling me an idiot and it was fucking paralyzing waiting in silence for his reaction.

"I love you too," he said.

I kissed the top of his head and continued to hold him there. We fell asleep like that, naked and covered in cum. It was amazing.

Unfortunately, morning showed up way too early. And so did my mom.

I was slow to wake up. I really thought it was a dream, but it was real. My mother was standing in the doorway, the sound of her dropping her luggage in shock had woken me up. Her face was the epitome of shocked and all I could think to do was help Ayden cover up and then search for some shorts to put on as I started to chase her down the hall.

I couldn't think of a good alternative explanation as to why I would be in my bed holding onto a naked boy while I too was naked. I finally caught up with her in her room and blocked the doorway. "Mom, I'm gay," I said. "I'm sorry..." I wasn't sure what I was apologizing for, whether it was for fooling around while she was away, or for how she found out, or for not telling her I was gay, or for being gay in the first place.

She started crying and I really didn't know what to do. She wouldn't talk to me, she just kept weeping like I was dead or something.

"Mom," I said. But she just kept on crying and I really needed her to stop and tell me it was OK. For as much as I try to act like a big tough adult, that all went to shit. I was standing there like I was five years old again needing my mom to tell me it was all OK and that she loved me anyway.

Finally she did talk, but just to say, "Give me some time, Josh."

Sadness and anger hit me at once. I was sad, afraid that this was just the first step of her not wanting anything to do with me. And I was angry. Angry that for all those parenting books and magazines and websites she obsessed over, she failed me right then.

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Ayden and I both skipped school today, after my morning run in with my mom. We got dressed and left with no particular destination in mind. We couldn't really go anywhere. We still look like high school kids and the last thing we needed was truancy charges. We ended up just driving around until lunch time and we really only stopped then because I was running out of gas.

Having him with me was the best thing for me at that point. I still was boiling with sadness and anger and disappointment and fear.

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It was evening before my mom would leave her room. Ayden had decided to stay at Kitty's house, not wanting to cause any more drama. That just added to the anger I carried with me when I came inside my house.

But it all went away when my mom said, "I love you no matter what and nothing will change that. I'm still trying to process all this, but I'm always here for you son."

And to prove that she had come to terms with that she gave me a half hour lecture about why condoms are still important.